That was the catch.
"It´s those little mysteries about you that kept me going," said Lis. "If one has
enough time to stare at your sad eyes they can tell something´s going on."
There were three major things Lisa couldn´t live without besides her smartphone; a
large portfolio, a tablet and a pocket organizer in case one of the other electronic
things malfunctioned.
"I found this lying on the floor," she said as she handed over the red sketchbook to
Adrian who was barely awake.
He had dozens of those in his studio that looked exactly the same all kept in a shelf.
He said he found it extremely hard to draw on any other surface that didn´t have those
qualities.
The first page was marked with the number "22" on it among other annotations. It
represented the amount of pieces he was to deliver by December when he would have his yet unnamed solo exhibition.
"These are already done," he said in a weary voice, "except for this one."
He pointed at some scribbles. "Yeah, I noticed," said Lis as she swept her hair. "It
certainly looks very different from the rest. Were you probably attempting a new
style?"
"No. It´s what psychics call automatic drawing. It´s a way to communicate with the
spirits."
Lis couldn´t help laughing a bit, "I can´t believe you still do that! Remember when we
used to go after haunted houses, Ouija boards, Tarot cards?"
"Of course I do."
"Then why would you be doing this now?"
"No reason." Adrian was fighting to remember the events that night he collapsed.
Contemplating that drawing made him feel uneasy. He drew a body of water probably a
river and what seemed to be a man falling into it.
"Is something wrong, dear?" asked Lis.
"Whatever it is I find it disturbing. It matches the things that I dreamed about. Now
I´m starting to remember more shit."
"I hope I´m not making you feel uncomfortable with this."
"This last one is not supposed to be here at all. Twenty two sounds like an ideal
number to me. It´s a cabalistic number; two times eleven, as in 11:11 at night."
"I still don´t get it."
"That´s exactly the time when I made this. If you notice I checked out all of the
sketches that have already been painted. I didn´t agree to make twenty three; you know
that."
"Sure."
"After that I felt nauseous and probably threw many times until it began to hurt. I
went down on my knees and texted you and then I blacked out."
Lis sighed, "I think I stumbled upon an article on the web that it may have to do something with the spirits. In a twisted sort of way many friends post 11:11 on their status asking to make a wish."
"But that´s not it," said Adrian sounding wearier, "it´s not like wishing upon a star;
that´s so stupid."
"Did you get your meds already?"
"Yeah. I can´t think straight; it feels like walking in the darkness all the time."
"I thought you always liked being there."
"I didn´t mean it literally."
"Listen; I believe you´ve been under pressure for this show and I know it´s extremely
important and all but you picked a very bad time to get sick."
"More like an accident waiting to happen."
"The good thing is you made it easier for me. I took the liberty of making an inventory
to send to Fiver´s assistant. I think they´ll be blown away."
"Really?"
"You know it. I´ll let you rest now. I´ll come back later to keep you updated. Doctor
says you should be out in a few days."
Lisa kissed Adrian on the forehead in her usual motherly attitude. He still looked pale
and his hands felt cold. "Take care, big guy. Sweet dreams."
--------------
The sun was going down already; it was around six o´clock. Adrian tried to get up but felt a huge sting that went from the stomach all the way up to his throat.
"Aw, man, I´m never doing this again."
"It serves you right, you naughty boy."
He could barely make out a corpulent figure standing at the end of the room. It was a nurse but she looked like she was from a different time period regarding her uniform. She had a large dress all the way down to her heels and had short sleeves.
She could have been around sixty years old.
"The name´s Marla, I´ll be the nurse for the night. Your wife told me to take good care of you."
"My wife?" said Adrian nervously. "But she´s not..."
"We know what you´ve been up to, Mr. Black. It seems you´ve been also taking pleasure in the art of self-destruction."
He felt tense and breathed heavily.
"What do you mean, "Self-destruction"?
Marla grabbed his right hand. His knuckles were scarred. They said it was presumably a sign of self- induced vomit.
"You got it all wrong," he said desperately, "I´m not one of those people!"
"They all say the same thing and then here you are."
"I´m sorry," he said rolling his greenish eyes, "I don´t wanna do this anymore."
"I can´t hear you, sir."
"I don´t wanna do this anymore!" he shouted.
"Good, good. Now will you please finish your dinner or would you rather be force-fed?"
-------------
None of that really happened; it was some dreadful hallucination.
He was finally let go one day in mid-November with a bundle of prescriptions enough to fill an entire cabinet.
Those would be the toughest moments in his life because he had to readjust.
One afternoon he retreated to the immensity of his studio and decided to update his status for a change. He was hardly active on the social networks but noticed of his contacts especially were thinking he was already dead.
"I only was away for a week and now I´ve been killed, what do you know?" he thought.
"Social leeches."
He tweeted in response,
"I was away on vacation to the ninth circle of Hell. Sorry if I couldn’t post any pictures; they don´t have Wi Fi there."
"That should keep them busy for a while. It´s too quiet in here."
He went to where he had a shiny black portable turntable and browsed his collection of albums from the nineties and another bunch that had been reprinted.
His poison had always been NIN. He turned to "Discipline" from The Slip.
There was a large oval-shaped Art Nouveau mirror around his workplace and decided to take a look. Originally he had it there as a visual aid to draw portraits.
He lifted his grey flannel shirt just a bit. He was felt his abs and his waistline and sighed, "You stupid fuck,” he said.
Lis was right; his big round hazel green eyes looked sad and bleak.
That´s when Danny boy came in.
"Come inside; I know it´s you," said Adrian.
A chiseled-looking boy in his mid-twenties entered the room. He was more buff and had pinkish-beige and a rather short Mohawk. He wore a simple cropped blue shirt.
"You look very thin," he said.
"How, gorgeous thin or macabre thin? I hardly know the difference," said Adrian. "Why do you keep disappearing like that? I missed you."
"I must have freaked out, I´m sorry."
"That´s okay; you wouldn´t like in there. I thought I was being poked in the ass by tiny demons."
"Do you feel better now?" asked Daniel wrapping his arms around his waist.
"No, not really. Just hold me."
"I can help you out with that," said Daniel as he reached for Adrian´s neck; it was his weak spot. He did this several times until Adrian moaned softly.
He threw him in the leather couch with such ease and Adrian made the next move and said in a lower voice, "Go down on me."
"That´s it?" said Daniel panting.
"But go slowly, okay?"
"Okay. Let´s have some fun."
Daniel haphazardly removed Adrian´s shirt and went ahead and stroked his nipple with his chubby fingers just enough to make him yelp.
"This is new," said Adrian, "Keep going."
Then he leaned against his pale chest and suckled both nipples in a rather mechanical and delicate manner.
"Okay, now I´m hard," he said.
He continued kissing him all the way down to his navel. Adrian felt more focused than the previous days. So he closed his eyes and felt his dick go inside his lover´s mouth.
When the pain becomes a frequent visitor it was so natural to welcome pleasure with open arms. He gasped, "Don´t stop, baby; I´m almost there."
He grabbed hold of the couch as he came vigorously.
"Aw, goddamn!" he screamed. "Goddamn..."
He managed to pull his pants up again and leaned on his side feeling exhausted.
"I´m sorry, puss," said Danny wiping his lip, "I hope I didn´t break you."
"Very fucking funny," he said. "I´m glad you´re here." Then he slowly went from being agitated to breaking into tears. "I feel so stupid."
"Why?"
"Because I was caught red-handed. I´m being punished for being weak and vain."
"If it helps you feel any better I had one or two friends with the same problem. Some of them are dead now."
"Great!" he sighed.
"Hey," said Danny, "don´t get mad at me. Just hang in there. Lis told me to be
supportive."
"I´m worried if I´ll live long enough. What time is it?"
"Let me check because you hardly keep any clocks around here." Daniel reached the desktop computer and noticed it was locked.
"Password please?"
"Damn, let me do this," he said as he got up.
"Will there ever be a day when you give me password privileges?" said Danny.
"Yes, when Hell freezes over. Are you kidding me? There´s stuff more valuable than you in there. It´s almost time for drugs."
"I have to go," said Daniel, "Take care; the world hasn´t come to an end or something."
--------------
It was almost seven PM. Lis was already home and like the little neat freak she was she put together a schedule on her pink smartphone of when Adrian was supposed to take his medications. One day he forgot and felt rather upset the whole afternoon. He even had one of those cases which had the days of the week labeled on it.
They were having a small conversation with Lis over the kitchen counter. Adrian felt more relaxed and talkative.
Lis was burned out because she had been handling affairs in the gallery all morning. As soon as she got home she slipped into her knit boots, wrapped her black hair in a headband and a large Sisters of Mercy t-shirt she hadn´t worn in months.
She was patient enough to pull out of the fridge a bowl which contained non-flavored Greek yogurt.
"Here," she said as she passed the bowl to Adrian. He took out one pill and emptied the contents and stirred it for a while. At the time it was becoming difficult to swallow anything.
"Careful though," said Lis, "take it easy."
"Thank you," said Adrian in a slow pace. "It´s funny when you´re so hungry but at the same time thinking you could damage yourself."
"It´s just a matter of time; you´ll get used to it. So where´s the Male Model of the Year wannabe?" she asked.
"He had an event or something."
"And he didn´t invite you?" she said in an upbeat tone.
"I declined. I´m not supposed to drink, remember? That´s another thing that´s going to drive me wild like a rabid dog."
"I see. That makes sense. That´s a huge commitment."
"So for how long am I going to take these drugs?"
"Um," she paused, "about eight weeks."
"What?" he cried. "What am I in? Rehab?"
"Listen babe; you got yourself into this mess. So please apologize to your body."
"I know, I know. Hey, trick question, though; do you think I´ll be losing more weight after this?"
"Is that a sick joke?"
"Just answer the question."
"Perhaps. Let´s hope you don´t disappear. But guess what? If you die maybe your work will increase in price one thousand percent!"
"Is that a fact?"
"No, I´m just tossing numbers. So here we are stuck in this loft like two geeks on a school night."
"You´re right, it sucks!" he laughed. "But I don´t have the strength to party all night long like I used to."
Lis laughed a bit, "You´re washed up because you´re pushing thirty."
"So?"
"Young people are afraid of reaching the "terrible thirties". At least in this town."
"You´re dead wrong!" cried Adrian upset, "I can continue to make art until I put one
foot into my fucking grave. There´s no age limit for that."
"I know. It´s just one of my stupid jokes again. I can still recall that season when you used to be an art model just because you looked good naked."
"I still do, don´t I?"
"Tell that to Daniel; he´s the one who sees your dick all the time."
"Including today."
"I´m very glad you´re showing signs of improvement; it seems your libido is still in place."
"Sort of. After I came I felt drained. I hope this is not a side effect of these pills. My grandma used to take these and since then had to have very small portions. Of course every now and then she cheated and found it very hard to sleep at night."
"Really? You didn´t tell me that!"
"Oh, now you really make me feel old! Do you wanna see the paintings?"
"Sure; you don´t you want anything else?"
"No, that´s okay. Do you?"
"I´m happy with my glass of cheap white wine and this bag of pita chips."
---------------------
The studio reflected much of Adrian´s personality. He loved to get messy every now and then but underneath all that chaos there was a bit of organization.
Since he had lots of space it was divided into two sections. The first one a metal bookshelf with all his sketchbooks, some of them in different sizes and predominantly red. There was another next to it where he kept his paints; mostly acrylics, oils, solvents and primers. There was also one had rolls of unstretched canvases, makeshift palettes, mason jars with all types of brushes.
Finally there was a large drawing melamine table with dozens of different cutting knives, metallic rulers, curve rulers and stencils.
The traditional media contrasted with his digital tools consisting of a large, dated bed scanner, a laser printer, a stained laptop and a desktop PC which was connected him the universe. The walls were intact though since it was forbidden to modify, probably just hang.
Adrian was in love with the past; among his favorite things were some posters featuring Basquiat and Warhol, surreal pictures of Man Ray and minimal art.
The other end of the studio was mainly for leisure and inspirational material. He also had a small projector and a box full of film canisters which according to Adrian were authentic snuff and porn films of the seventies. He always said they could come in handy someday.
"You know we really should come up with a name for this show," said Lis. "First of all I would love for you to give me a nice overview."
"At the heart it´s vulnerability; the act of being vulnerable. It comes in the form of a triptych.
The first stage is where we see the White Rabbit; the one who´s always late for
everything, obsessed and a kind of perfectionist. The individual who is subdued
possibly to a feminine figure. In my case it would be the shadow of the mother
who is attempting to fit me in a world in which I don´t belong. She passes her
fears onto me, putting me in a cage."
"Fascinating," said Lis as she sipped more wine.
"But I wasn´t meant to be caged so I get startled, uneasy, sick and disgusted of my prison so I resource to self-destruct."
"The black rabbit?"
"No, that one comes in the end. This one is a frequent visitor though. The helpless white rabbit is always afraid the other will come to take him away too soon. He´s a shape-shifter and disguises as Death, failure, illness, poverty.
In order to face this impostor he must expose himself. It´s the only way to stop hearing those voices at night."
"And then the next stage is getting naked. That explains why they are all in red. He becomes raw and emotional. He´s passionate and genderless; he takes off his coat that reeked of innocence and is open to love. It´s still unsure where this takes us, there´s no plan."
"Which is life, pretty self-explanatory."
"And in the end comes Death. It will come someday, that´s for sure."
"I would call it cutting the umbilical cord in an elegant way. It´s relatable so it works. But I´m curious if you say there twenty two pieces how to divide them into these three stages?"
"Each one has seven except for one which is labeled with the number zero. It has to be the center piece."
"Which is called "Home"; when we step into the rabbit hole. It´s not always pretty down there and it looks more like a smelly old basement full of junk. So what do you think, is that a good sales pitch for you?"
"Name, please?"
Adrian sighed, "Trickster, as simple as that."
"That´s all I needed."
"You´re not setting a good example, Lis. You´re getting a little wasted in front of me."
"Come on, it´s Friday! I´m allowed to."
"Are you also allowed to be sadistic? Do you still remember when I took you to that concert?"
"Which one?"
He pointed to her black and white t-shirt.
"1998. That was the time when you wanted me to get acquainted with the roots of goth and if I recall it was the first time I saw you dance."
"I´m not a good dancer and you know it."
"But you can still move!"
"Alright, challenge accepted. I think I have a vinyl right here." He opened a cabinet and took out "A Slight Case of Over bombing" and waited until "Lucretia, My Reflection" was playing.
"Come on," he said as he pulled up Lis from the leather couch. Adrian wrapped her arms around his waist. He was notably taller than her, roughly six feet.
She felt his warmth, his tight embrace. She whispered unconsciously, "I´m so glad you´re okay; I don´t wanna lose you just like that."
"I was scared too, Lis," he said, "I feel like I´m a goddamn funeral. No one has died; it´s some kind of collective sadness. People we care about are taken from us too soon."
"Yeah, we need more "hellos" instead of more "goodbyes".
"You sound tired, kid."
"Aw, I´m fine," she slurred, "you´re so soft and cuddly. Are you gonna stay down here?"
"I believe so or until Daniel gets back so we can begin Act Two."
Lis laughed for a while. "I thought you said you fell drained."
"What am I gonna do without my poison?" he said referring to his usual dosage of alcohol.
"Screwing, maybe?" answered Lis, "which is something I never managed to do with you."
"If you did you´d totally ruin our friendship and our partnership."
"Okay now I really gotta go; it´s getting too weird for me in here."
"Allow me."
There was a staircase in the middle of the studio which lead to the bedrooms; there was the master and other three. Adrian made sure Lis got there in one piece and tucked her in.
A few minutes later he perceived a sound which made him go back downstairs. It seemed familiar like a child weeping. It was also that kind of urban legend which said that every old building is haunted.
The cast iron building had a long history. Some said in the late 1800s it used there used to be a nest of brothels; a hole of decadence and despair. By the 1950s it became an industrial wasteland and by the 1960s it became an artist haven. For a long time it bared the name Hell´s Hundred Acres so it´s no wonder one could easily think there was a room for one urban legend or two.
It also didn´t help much the time when Adrian had the chance to speak with the land lady, Ava. She was a short woman in her sixties and started renting the place with her late husband. The main condition to inhabit this paradise was to be certified as an artist and be active for at least five years. But this goth rascal wanted this place so badly from the start; he just relied on Lisa´s intuition.
"There are forgotten tales of spiritualists who claimed this place had a handsome amount of psychic energy," said Ava. "Don´t let that distract you, dear! That apartment hasn´t been occupied in ages!"
He was beginning to understand why. At first he blamed it on the meds, the deprivation of sleep and liquor. There was a deep silence and he began to feel tenser. He wanted to retreat yet he decided to take another look at his inventory of paintings.
He covered them in large white cloths. What he called the center piece labeled "0" on the top was an acrylic and oil, his favorite mixed media, which had predominantly dark earth tones. It resembled a hole in the ground but it remained abstract enough for loose interpretation. He stared at it for a while until his wouldn´t move a single muscle.
He whispered,
"The Fool; it must be in an upside down position. I need to remind them that."
He fell down on his knees and continued, "Enter the rabbit hole, dear child."
Music played in a low volume all of a sudden, "Letting You" from The Slip. It was because he didn´t leave that record on. Someone put it intentionally.
"We are letting you get away with it..." said the chorus.
Now he suspected someone was around. He checked the doors and they remained locked. Daniel had the keys though but he said he would come in late and it was around eleven PM.
The clock in the wall struck 11:11.
"You´ve got to be fucking kidding me," he said internally, "what now?"
The song played once more and stuck in the same chorus.
"We are letting you get away with it..."
Finally he put it away in the shelf.
Adrian couldn´t help feeling nauseous almost like vomiting. He was on an empty stomach and trembled lying on the floor again. He clenched his fist and hit his chest several times.
"Keep it together, you pussy!" he said with a stinging tone again and again. "You can´t do this ever again."
Shortly after that he sobbed. He was about to plummet but before that he headed to the bathroom and soaked his neck in cool water.
He fell asleep on the left side of the bed which was his favorite spot and slightly curled up and grabbed his pillow for it was chilly; he found this more relaxing.
He did notice Daniel´s presence but could hard make out what time it was. He welcomed him with a kiss on the neck and embraced him for the remainder of the night. His hands were cold and sounded somewhat drunk even laughing for a while.
Adrian was becoming very needy after all these events. He couldn´t handle the anxiety. He was stuck in a loop; sometimes he didn´t want to sleep while sometimes he craved for it. When pills didn´t do the trick sex made up for it.
"Good night, my dark prince," whispered Danny.
---------------------
Saturday came along; it was about eight thirty AM. Lis was already up but let Adrian sleep in until it was time to take his meds once again.
When he finally came downstairs he threw on a thin black sweater and a beanie. He rubbed his eyes a bit as he approached the kitchen.
"Hey, big guy!" cried Lis who ran to give him a big hug, "And how are you doing this morning?"
"I didn´t sleep well last night."
"Really, how come?"
"I dun no...I guess I was pretty anxious about something."
"That sounds truly mysterious."
"No, I refuse to believe that! I´m becoming adjusted to the meds."
She patted him on the back and said, "What you need is to calm your nerves. Let me make you a cup of some chamomile."
"Thanks. So where´s Daniel now?"
"Oh, where he´s usually every weekend; running across the Hudson River Greenway."
"I heard come home about two in the morning I guess."
Lis smiled, "Is that why you couldn´t sleep because you were waiting for him? Because that´s the sweetest thing I ever heard in weeks."
Adrian frowned upon this, "No, not really. Can I be honest with you?"
"Sure," said Lis as he stood over the stove, "but that also means that you´ve also been dishonest."
"Do you think Daniel is avoiding me?"
"Oh well, that´s a tough one." Lis placed a nice black ceramic cup on the counter with a tea bag."
"I have this feeling that he´s doing ever since he found out I´m bulimic. Then he would say," oh, but I have several friends with that problem and some of them are dead."
"You believe you´re scaring him off?"
"He´s taking advantage because he likes the idea of hanging out with someone famous and meet other kinds of people. I just it would be fun to fool around with him."
"That´s it! Don´t you get it. You´re asking for commitment when there hasn´t been any in the first place. Hell, the only real commitment is paying rent."
"You´re right. I should have made some kind of roommate agreement or something." Then he noticed that Lis also made some oatmeal.
"Is it okay if I have that too?"
"Sure! I made it especially for you," she said. "It´s cooked from the stove; I hate to microwave it because it gets soggy. You know you should totally go vegan, it makes sense."
"I don´t think I could handle that. But I´m a good guy in the end. I don´t want to fuck up things."
"Those are the kind of words that make me feel inspired."
---------------
"Don´t ignore me!" she said, "you know what you´ve done."
It was a child about six years old. She wore a large white dress which went all the way down to her ankles. It was slightly worn out. Her hair was dark brown and loose but was tied up into a bonnet which had two small rabbit-like ears. She was pale faced and wide-eyed.
Adrian was incredibly agitated.
"Please; adults hardly pay attention to children while we pay attention to the spirits around us," she said with a dated British accent. "Don´t be like them; it´s awfully rude."
"Fine, what you want?"
"To play, of course. No one ever does that with me anymore. I haven´t had a true friend after the fires."
"There was a fire here?"
"Of the few things I can recall. Do you realize that I´m helping you?"
"No," he said in a lower voice.
"Just keep doing what you´re doing. In time we will have more friends to play with. This has just begun." Then she vanished.
