1. TRANS-LUCID DREAM

Saint Vincent Hospital, 1:11 AM some goddamn day in November.

"Sometimes I like to focus on the pain, the only thing that´s real and not the people around me. I guess this happens when they stop talking to you for a long time. I know it sounds kinda stupid but I haven't had a fulfilling conversation in ages."


"You know that lacks any sense," said Edith


"It does not!" I replied," How would someone like you understand that if you're not an artist. Besides, The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."


"Aha! I recall Dali said that. How's that for a girl who doesn't study art."


"And your point is?"


"Don't assume that I'm illiterate. Beside, the way I see it, inside these walls I'm right and your wrong, you're in my turf."


"How intimidating."


"Do you want to get somewhere with this conversation or are you just dabbling?"


I took a deep sigh, feeling somewhat defeated, "Very well, shoot."


"What's the last thing you recall before you hit the ground that night?"


"There was background music, I always have it but particularly I'm fond of Nine Inch Nails.

it seemed like the perfect motivation for a suicide attempt but I'm sorry to disappoint you, I wasn't going to. I was self destructing."


"Is it not the same thing?"




"Do you think self destroying is wrong?" I said boldly.


"Of course!!!"


"My dear, I am an artist therefore  I´m entitled to reinvent myself whenever the Hell I want.


"Yes, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to kill yourself!"


"And who says I was doing that?"


"Me, and the man who found you that night. You're trying to glorify something that was so obvious but that's OK, I'll let you rest for now."

I wish she could have been more open minded on this delicate matter but you see that's why Edith is my non artistic follower.

I have lots of them, I could stuff entire galleries with them if I wanted and not feel any sense of remorse. But they're nothing; the room is full and empty at the same time. And I realize that they come looking for me on the social networks and expect me to answer all of their comments as if they were prayers waiting to be answered by an omnipresent God. At least I like to think I'm God, the other part I'm not sure of.

You see, I´ve gained a strong  reputation making serious street art that carried a serious message until I became a gallery mascot. Not that this bothers me, it just happens to be an impeccable observation.

It was the middle of november and I so happened to have a new solo exhibition, a delicacy that only a true artist would appreciate; this was why my anxiety was through the roof and so was my beautiful corpse. But before I intended to jump I was thinking of how my landing was going to be, for I didn´t feel human at that moment. Or even better, where would I land? Was that cold winter night just part of an endless dream or was it a sugar coated reality?

Whatever the outcome was one thing was for sure; I was so cold and sick that there came a point in which I just stopped caring. A stranger knocking at my door again and again and I just turned away.

That reminded me of when I grew curious to learn new and amazing things which others could have easily labeled as,

THE SUPERNATURAL.

The earliest memory I could possibly pull out of the hat was when I was in my backyard drawing with big crayons doodling big holes hoping they would come to life, a rather inofensive way to spend an afternoon. Yet, by the time it became an obsession my mother dragged me back into the house claiming I had serious issues and that it wouldn´t hurt the slightest to make some friends.

Oh, but don´t get me wrong but I felt displaced in Elyria. Either I was too big for them or my ego was to big for my own body.

I´m Adrian Black and this is my bloody diary.

I'm the White Rabbit; everyone wants to follow me yet no one can catch me.

There's about a million things I can think about right now, like what would they want from if they can finally have me in their clutches; fame, riches, salvation, favors? It's always been that way in my life; I've an object of desire ever since I was born and not exactly for my looks, that of which I'm not complaining about.

How badly did I want to jump tonight yet some inivisble hand did its best to pull me away from that. No, it wasn't God, it was Edith.

RABID IN THE MOON.

"Dear, what ever are you doing outside?"


"I´m waiting for the Moon to come out so the rabbit can play with me."


"The rabbit?"


"Yes, he lives there, that´s why..."


"There you are! Where have you been all this time? I waited for this moment my whole life..."

(continued)...

THEATER

"I noticed that there is a recurring dream nowadays and I was wondering if you could please help me out interpreting it," I said while shared the rest of the night with Edith in a peculiar artsy bar located on 22nd St. Since the place had a strange vibe of odd and old fashioned at the same time it felt so surreal that it was perfect to be more introspective about nonsensical dreams.

"Go ahead, be my guest!" answered Edith effusively.

"Well it starts of like this; I was asked to do an interview for a magazine by this particular woman. She was quite tall and had this sort of old fashioned hairdo, very 70s like..."

"Wow..." she said sounding truly engaged.

"So then I was to meet her somewhere like a museum, there was another friend by her side. Instead she took me to a movie theater, and we went into one cinema but I noticed that it had a hole in the all which led to another room, like a secret one..."

"Oh..."

"And then as I entered it felt so familiar that it reminded me of  something that scared and my immediate reaction was to cover my eyes like when you´re little and you got to see a scary movie for the first time. And then the tall woman said, "It´s alright, there´s nothing to be afraid of, you just have to change the way you look at things, start over. Now what do you think that means."

Edith gave a deep sigh and took a sip of white wine, " It´s not so much about what it means, it´s more like digging up a repressed memory or a part of your life and the way that you remember it is that it was basically scary..."

"Let me guess, the knowledge of the supernatural?" I said with a little sarcasm.

"Yes, but it´s more like meeting an old friend and you piled it up or boxed it somewhere because it made you feel embarrassed or humiliated, and it´s nothing to be ashamed of. You see, admitting your sexuality´s been good, that you have a strong imagination is good to, but there´s still something else you need to successfully embrace in order to feel better."

"I see...why doesn´t any of these things surprise me anymore?"

"Because you´re becoming more familiarized with them, it´s an internal battle, sweetie, you have to love yourself each and every day of the week," she said as she pointed to my chest, "don´t you forget that."

Loving myself meant reconciling with every other part of me, such as The White Rabbit. Maybe he WAS my dark side but I refused to let him out because he was uncontrollable sometimes...yet he was never evil. I drove him into the darkness to make him look like a major shame. The major fear was that if I´d trade places with him Edith would suffer as well.

I remember vaguely at school a slide about a Mexican painter called The Two Fridas. In a way it was a tribute to her other self. There was the woman who was chained to a ladies man and the other was her imaginary friend, all dressed in white.

I never thought a woman painter could be so intense and passionate enough but at the same time she went through an incredible deal of pain. Maybe I should paint my other self,whether I liked it or not, black and white rabbit binded for life, how simple.

"You´re right, Edith, you did it once again."

"Did what?"

"Now that all my paintings have been sold I feel like this is the beginning of a path I´ll have to walk through..."

"You sound so serious, is something the matter, this should be a good sign, right?"

"Yes...someone said to me not so long ago that a rabbit would never hurt me, what I´m concerned about is if it might hurt others."

"Don´t be ridiculous, how bad can it be?"

"Well, then I guess it all depends on me; it´s up to me to find out who´s the villain and who´s the hero in this huge theater."

CONCERNED (continued):

I resorted to the comfort of my studio. As I felt the moonlight flooding the room I opened my new ´magic book´and read some more:


The artist is the hand which plays, touching one key or another, to cause vibrations in the soul, getting back to Kandinsky.

It so turns out that what seemed to be the biggest mindfuck I've ever experienced in a way had happened before. I was not so sure if this unknown path but if anyone else knew better than me was The White Rabbit.

I can't even remember when I crafted him. He came out in my hour of despair. The term imaginary friend has been so misconcieved over the years. I remember very well the first time I watched The Exorcist the last thing Regan saw before she was possessed was Captain Howdy...wait. I remember now...he only showed when I "was" sick but then again Mother presumed I was all the time. And I hated her for that, how much did I hate her for that! The question is, how did I repress these memories, was it because of The White Rabbit? Did he wipe out those nasty episodes so I could start over?

Then again, the ghost of 'that' girl has no interest in me whatsoever, au contraire, she wants me to give in to my spiritual side while the rest of the mortal world expects to see Adrian Black.

"Adrian...Adrian".

"Oh! It's you, woman, what are you doing in here, did you get lost or something?"

"God, you're so mean! You don't want me here, fine." She was almost completely dressed in black, except for this short blue sweater that went well with her round beautiful blue eye, what could I say, she inspired me.

"No, please don't walk away, I'm sorry if I offended you...come here."

And so I wrapped her tightly in my arms and I felt so comforted as well, yet there was an odd feeling that I'd had to treasure this moment as much as I could, seeing her wear the locket I gave her last Christmas reminded me even more of such a thing.

"I see you still have it, " I said.

"Of course I do! I don't forget that easily, remember?"

Oh great, now she was using my own words against me.

"Why, are we celebrating something? ´Cause I'm not that kind of shitty boyfriend who forgets anniversaries or little things like those.

"No! Of course not."

"I'm sorry if I've kept you abandoned all this time, it's just that..."

"I understand, you're devoted to your work, that's your biggest affair and I don't discuss that but, could it allow me to steal for a few hours so we can spend some quality time together? After all, it's a weekend, you know."

"So what did you have in mind? You know, actually there IS something worth celebrating...all my paintings have been sold."

"Oh my God, really? Why didn´t you tell me this?"

"I never make a huge mess out of this, usually I just hang around with a nice bottle of Merlot, but tonight we make an exception, because we did it together, I couldn´t have done without you, and Feivel and Mr. Blackwell..."

"Shh, I understand, this is just between you and me. We´re in this together now."

I loved it when she talked dirty.

terrible glaring eyes


seven spirits of rebellion




diaki

CONCERNED

Mr. Cohen has been after my father for quite some time it wouldn't surprise me that now he's after you. In the meantime it would be prudent that you read this.

Sincerely,
Caroline King.

And that's how I was talked into literally devouring Concerning The Spiritual Of Art. It seems as if all the answers, well, almost all of them were embedded into this book giving me a new reason to get up in the morning and to feel more powerful than ever.

He sees and points the way. The power to do this he would sometimes fain lay aside, for it is a bitter cross to bear. But he cannot do so. Scorned and hated, he drags after him over the stones the heavy chariot of a divided humanity, ever forwards and upwards.

It sounded more like a prophecy, very much like the little dead girl said, "Find the Thousand, find the Thousand..." she said. I sincerely don't know who the Hell they are yet, whether they're my true friends or foes but somewhere in between the lines I found a hint of that concept, it says:

"The new torchbearer of truth will find the minds of men prepared for his message, a language ready for him in which to clothe the new truths he brings, an organization awaiting his arrival, which will remove the merely mechanical, material obstacles and difficulties from his path," quoting Blavatsky, a member of the Theosopical Movement.

How did Mr. King come up with all of this? Because the girl showed him the way. It was rumored that the fire caused the factory up in Hell's Hundred Acres, the one I was researching was blamed on a member of that secret society. Clever, blame it on the misconceptions of witchcraft, why don't you?

Anyway, it was never proven by the law, however how come that child knew so well about the Occult? This book was written on the first decade of the last century and Blavatsky had already gained some fame in New York. This very spot was critical; it did leave a trace behind.

Now, according to this, Caroline's father decided to reinterpret Kandinsky's and form a new society of artists named The Thousand, however his project had failed due to lack of interest and the fear of being labeled or pursued. He did have a strong belief in spiritual and visionary painting. I was just about to become involved in all of this.

Freddie, who among other things was a huge art lover was desperate to solve the mysteries behind the making of these works, for he was absolutely that they were performed under certain circumstances, things that I could have done including but not necessarily substance abuse. If so, all these theories would be dropped, so he asked me if I'd kept a log of these activities and what better way to prove it than through my diaries, what better evidence than that?

On the other hand, Mr. King was less careful, he had been more spontaneous since there were very few examples of what he did, he only followed the methods or guidelines described by Wassily Kandinsky, his works always followed the shape of a triangle, a sort of growth, always either going upwards or downwards. Funny, my shapes were spirals, like the one in The Thousand and a sort of hexagon like in Ritual.

There was a lot of ground to cover, still, I did feel tired at all. Before I realized it was Saturday. Mark had come over to do some updates on my website and I did feel like talking about my little mishap back at Droogie's, so this is what he told me.

"Seriously man, how the fuck did you get involved in all that shit?"

"I'm sorry, what shit?" I said a little bit distracted while I was feeding Scraps some baby carrots.

"You know, you did tell me ´bout Stefan."

"I warned you about Stefan, that's what! Damn, couldn't he just settle for someone else, I mean, what the Hell does he see in me?"

Mark shook his head, "Oh, I don't know about that, cuz ya know I don't speak fag..."

"You don't have to, being bi is so much more complicated to explain than being gay, it's like they think we're always confused that they expect that we need to define ourselves eventually."

"Mmmhmm, yeah, whatever dude."

He sees and points the way. The power to do this he would sometimes fain lay aside, for it is a bitter cross to bear. But he cannot do so. Scorned and hated, he drags after him over the stones the heavy chariot of a divided humanity, ever forwards and upwards.
Often, many years after his body has vanished from the earth, men try by every means to recreate this body in marble, iron, bronze, or stone, on an enormous scale. As if there were any intrinsic value in the bodily existence of such divine martyrs and servants of humanity, who despised the flesh and lived only for the spirit! But at least such setting up of marble is a proof that a great number of men have reached the point where once the being they would now honour, stood alone.
--------------
In every segment of the triangle are artists. Each one of them who can see beyond the limits of his segment is a prophet to those about him, and helps the advance of the obstinate whole. But those who are blind, or those who retard the movement of the triangle for baser reasons, are fully understood by their fellows and acclaimed for their genius. The greater the segment (which is the same as saying the lower it lies in the triangle) so the greater the number who understand the words of the artist. Every segment hungers consciously or, much more often, unconsciously for their corresponding spiritual food. This food is offered by the artists, and for this food the segment immediately below will tomorrow be stretching out eager hands.
--------------

The solitary visionaries are despised or regarded as abnormal and eccentric. Those who are not wrapped in lethargy and who feel vague longings for spiritual life and knowledge and progress, cry in harsh chorus, without any to comfort them. The night of the spirit falls more and more darkly. Deeper becomes the misery of these blind and terrified guides, and their followers, tormented and unnerved by fear and doubt, prefer to this gradual darkening the final sudden leap into the blackness.
-----

The new torchbearer of truth will find the minds of men prepared for his message, a language ready for him in which to clothe the new truths he brings, an organization awaiting his arrival, which will remove the merely mechanical, material obstacles and difficulties from his path." Blavatsky

-----
The artist is the hand which plays, touching one key or another, to cause vibrations in the soul.

---
Painting has two weapons at her disposal:
1. Colour. 2. Form.

SURRENDERED (continued):

I think that there has to be a dark side to everybody, it's just that artists have the god given opportunity to express it more often. My weapon is just this paintbrush right here and I can use it just like a magic wand to cast all the demons away, pure and simple.

I've been battling a silent enemy for years and it ain't exactly the White Rabbit or all the other voices in my head. No matter how badly I wanted to literally brush it off from my life it always came back to haunt me. And I promised Edith I'd make a huge example of it displaying it on a painting...but she ignores I already did it some time ago. An innocent game that turned into a goddamn nightmare...for now I'll skip that subject.

Saturday was it, I believe, I keep losing track of time. At long last I began to receive e-mail from Caroline, the real one and tried my best to pretend this wasn't another hallucination.

She said Freddie Cohen had been contacting his father for months to work on a side project of his. Great! Now it all starts to make sense since they have been doing their very worst to get to me in a very unorthodox way. To this point I actually didn't care if whether some eccentric millionaires who had nothing better to do were trying to use me, just buy me. Whatever they did with my work afterwards was none of my goddamn business.

"Hey there! You're alive!" cried Damien as he entered my office.

"Dude, I'm a cat and have nine lives, how awesome can that get," I said sarcastically. At that very same moment it occurred to me that I could pull the same kind of tricks I tried with Edith a few hours ago.

"Tell me something my friend and be completely honest..." I said as I put my hands together. " Do I seem like a tool for everyone else's pleasure?"

"W-what?!" he said freaked out. "Oh, I GET IT now, it´s about that whole thing yesterday, huh? I knew something didn´t go your way. But don´t worry, I´m practically invisible, especially around you know who..."

"Wait, what do you think I´m actually talking about?" I asked nervous.

"Some girl who happens to be the new "it" girl..."

"No,no,no, I wasn´t referring to her, I was telling you that lately I feel like my art is being used for sinister purposes. Some even believe they´re haunted, for crying out loud."

"Well, be careful what you wish for you know, oh, by the way, here´s the material you sent me out for the Cohen thing, and the supplies."

"Excellent, now we´ll see if this is actually the piece of the puzzle I was looking for." He gave a handsome hardback book with an abstract illustration adorned with primary colors.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Concerning The Spiritual In Art; my new magic book by the "sorcerer" Kandinsky. This will help me find out why all the lines are beginning to blur in my life lately."

(continued)...

SURRENDERED

Don´t touch, please don´t...please, stop...not now, don´t touch me...please don´t.

Goddammit! I was muttering that in my sleep? Well, at least that´s what Edith said.

She started talking to me a little bit more than the last few days but she proceeded with care. Actually we had a long introspective conversation just this morning. She wanted to make sure that I was taking damn good care of myself so she handed me a bowl of oatmeal, something I haven´t had in a long time.

"Now, this is isn´t the stuff that usually comes in those tiny packs, this is the real thing...well actually I improved it so you tell me if it´s any good."

"It´s...it´s great, actually I think everything´s coming back to me now, " I said.

"You were talking in your sleep, did you have a rough night?"

"I don´t feel like talking about it, nothing big really." I continued.

"I see...well, I´m sure things will pick up."

"On the other hand I would gladly appreciate listening to anything else, thank you very much..."

"Oh!" she cried as she sat down with me. "I thought you´d never ask. Well, I´ve had some very interesting patients lately, unlike other times. There´s this young girl, she´s in her twenties she claims she´s terribly depressed, not the kind you get when your boyfriend dumps you depression, she´s hard to figure out. Quite frankly I don´t why but no matter how badly I want to get away from this I was born to help people."

"Actually, " I said, "I kinda wanted to ask you, am I that hard to figure out? Answer me one question and be totally honest..."

"Sure, go right ahead..."

"If you saw me walking down on the street could you tell that I´m gay?"

Edith froze for a while, of course at this point anyone would, "That´s a very random comment even for you, but if you must insist..."

"Then..."

"Of course not! Why would you say something like that?"

"Nothing, just forget it."

"Whoa, excuse me but it´s hard to get over something like that, so if you don´t tell me I´m going to bug you all day."

I gave a deep sigh, "Fine, I didn´t want to bring it up, but, yeah, last night started more or less good but then it turned out to be one hell of a disaster. I felt used, but then again it´s always been that way."

"OK, this sounds a little bit more serious than I expected."

"It´s because of the way they perceive me. You must remember I ran into Stefan last year, do you?"

"Uh, yes, you saw him again?"

"Yes I saw him again because he works with my other incredibly famous friend. Anyway, I know it sounds ridiculous telling this to you but...how can I ever control that if I´m convinced I prefer a million times to be around you?"

Edith frowned, "Look, I don´t want to mess with your sexuality but I would treat this as a normal situation in which someone else is hitting on you whether it´s a man or a woman."

"Would you freak out on me if it were a woman?"

"Absolutely! As long as you tell me this being completely honest I´m OK with that. Thus, I definitely would walk away from you if you cheated on me because that´s so not you."

"Alright, alright, I don´t wanna heat things up, just asking for advice. Once again, this is really great."

"I´m gonna stay with you every morning because I want to make sure you finish it. I do want you to overcome this, for good."

"I promise, I mean, I´ll do it, for myself."

"Thank you, sweetie..." she kissed me deeply, "Now get out there and conquer the world for me."

I laughed uncontrollably. I had no choice but to surrender to her every sweet word.

(continued):

DANGEROUS DOLL PARTS (continued):

It wasn't the first official time I ever sang in front of a small audience, Edith and I used to do karaoke for a while after we started dating; she is the one with the lovely angelic voice anyway. Doing it now all by myself somehow felt as if I was being treated like an object, a Pandora's box, a caged nightingale..no let's not go too far. 


What I thought was a bit over the top and for sure will get me in deep trouble once they post them was a series of candid shots with yours truly and Droogie. She felt this sort of schoolgirl crush for me so she couldn't resist. They were taken just in front of my two devilish creations Rabbit Monster and the overrated Easy On The Eyeliner. The video for the song with the same title was taken in that very same apartment all in black and white. Well, actually black and white is rarely done nowadays, it's grayscale but it still doesn't achieve the same dramatic effect in the contrast. In the end it looked chic, Madonna chic, as Stefan called it. 


It's not really that outrageous for painters to hang out with rockstars and getting away with it, in fact Mr. Warhol was one of those few who made this business multi disciplinary, I may be thinking of doing short films and spreading them all over the web like a major disease, you had to do something, right?


"I'm dying to confess you something , Adrian," said Droogie feeling a little bit partied out, but judging by the way she pranced around it must have been around 3 AM. I even had to hold her every now and then...now it truly felt like that Halloween night with Chloë.


"Don't think we're using you to get advantage of you or anything s-similar," she slurred, "I mean, you've already brought us luck, my single is climbing the charts all the way and it will make me even more famous than I am now, so I can't thank you enough, but..."


"But..." I continued in a very proper manner.


"The whole thing about Charlie that night...it was Stefan's idea. He is actually the one who's after you."


"Hee..."I sighed deeply. "Girl, I knew that, he's always had the hots for me. I think it's fucking stupid for him not to have the you know what to come and say it to my face."


"Please, d-don't get mad at him, after all, you did get a freebie, didn't you?  Besides, I don't want this to ruin or beautiful alliance, just keep your distance."


"So that's it? It's a friendship between you and me, that's it?"


"Of course!!! What, did you think I was after you? Look sweetie, I know you might have this impression that I'm some sort of pervert, man eater..."


"What about the thing on Christmas Eve, was that his idea as well?"


"Y-yes..."


"Goddamn it, girl, didn't you realize for one moment this almost ruined my relationship?" I said.


"Oh, c'mon, you enjoyed it, I was doing you a favor so you can feel more confident to come out."


"I already came out years ago! That wasn't necessary. You think you know me well, but you have no idea..."


"Do you love her?" she said all of a sudden. 


"What?! What kind of a question is that?" Of course she was referring to Edith.


"That's right, sweet thing," That was definitely the voice of Stefan who came out of nowhere only to make me feel even more uncomfortable. "After all, she's not like us, she's way too average for you." 


"What?!"


"Answer the question, she interferes with your plans..." he said.


She inteferes...


Those words echoed in my head all the way down to one of my many encounters with the little dead girl...


"You guys don't have the right to decide for me, especially when it's about Edith. I choose what's best for me."


"Oh, for crying out loud, Adrian! You're practically caught up between two worlds, so what's it going to be?"


"You, you can't...my head."


"Oh Dear God, not again," said Stefan, I think.


"You should know better than that! After all he's find for us at least we should make ourselves useful. Come on, help him up..." said Droogie, I think.


After that, I remember so little, probably Mark and Damien making small talk taking me home. What I do recall however was this noise in the background.

DANGEROUS DOLL PARTS (continued):

"When we chant we invoke those who dwell in our unconscious, we cast the demons out and they feast for a night or two..." I said in the middle of my apparent drunkenness.

"I didn't know you sang, Adrian..." said the lovely voice of Droogie. I stepped up to the improvised stage because I was encouraged to do so, Mark insisted...it was either that or his incredibly awesome rap. So I pulled down my rabbit hood feeling mighty relaxed and inspired, ironically more inspired than at my birthday.

"Everyone does, everyone should," I said.

"Yeah but not everyone does it good," said Droogie swinging her champagnes glass.

"You never know how good you are until you try, it makes sense, doesn't it?"

"OK, let's see what you can do, pretty boy..."

"I had a huge craving to sing this little classic for all you rabbit hunting people out there in the crowd, especially you fine looking woman. So here it goes..."

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all.
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall.
And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall,
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call.
Call Alice
When she was just small.
When the men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go.
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low.
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know.
When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead,
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:"Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head"

"Yay!! Bravo!" cried the young diva clapping her hands in a cutesy way without making a sound. "Maybe you could join my band sometime.

"Oh, no, I already did enough...besides I couldn´t compare to Grace Slick, she would do it a thousand times better."

"Well, what would you say if I began painting like you?" she said tenaciously.

"I´d said, not a bad idea, I´d just say find your voice, your own identity. Kandinsky once said:

Each period of a civilisation creates an art that is specific in it and which we will never see reborn. To try and revive the princples of art of past centures can lead only to the production of stillborn works.

"And your point is?" she said.

"Be yourself, that´s all!"

"I see, like when some smartass pseudo artists think they can rise to instant fame doing cover songs from the eighties and nineties. "

I fell almost speechless, "Yeah...don´t do cover songs unless you can make them baddass.!

(continued)...

DANGEROUS DOLL PARTS (continued):

WHITE RABBIT´S INVOCATION:


When the paw hits the water sparks to fly,
When the paw hits the ground thunder rumbles
When the paw hits the wind he can walk in the skies.
When the paw hits the fire there´s red in his eyes,


out comes the rabbit...

"Oh, there you are, dearest Adrian! You decided to come, won´t you join we´re watching a little film starring me and a few of my naughty friends." This time she wore a golden corset and thigh high boots and fishnets, and she was still feeling like the goddess of the night.

It so happened that my little Droogie had carefully crafted a short fake snuff film where a cute, sort of cheerleader girl and her go on a road trip, however they are totally unaware that a psychotic man with a rabbit´s head kidnaps them and throws them in the back of the car. Curiously, Droogie was wearing green track suit with her name printed on the back, and with zero make up, which made her look trashier. She was intending to include with her new album; and I thought I was deranged.

"So, what do you think about it?"

"It's a one way ticket to extreme controversy, but why would you need my approval, that's up to your record company."

"Oh," she giggled. " Don't you worry about that insignificant detail, we already have that figured out. So, we haven't talked too much ever since your own birthday."

"Yeah I'd rather call it unbirthday, it was anything but a pleasant experience."

"I'm way too sorry to hear about that..." she said in a softer tone trying to be more empathetic.

"Nah, it's OK, it's just that I wasn't in my mi five senses that night...I was actually in my six, so that's why it was more trippier."

"Ha, ha! I know what that feels like. Listen, about Charlie, you know, he knows I like to play, nothing serious, no hard feelings?"

Deep down I wanted to pretend that he wasn´t the cause of my misunderstanding with Edith, but I kinda was but on the other hand I didn´t want to spoil the moment so I proceeded with diplomacy.

"Absolutely...why not?" I smiled.

"Do you want to know what´s on my mind?" she asked.

"Whoa, no need to answer that judging from I what me and my friends just witnessed...then again little Damien here could be a bit sensitive and get seriously traumatized..."

"Is that right?" said she.

"No way!" cried Damien. "I think it´s highly artistic, very avant garde, in fact it reminded me of the early bondage work the legendary Bettie Page."

"See there, Adrian I think you underestimated him."

"By the way, awesome place you have here, lots of space," said Mark.

"Why, thank you! You´re welcome back anytime...except for you, Adrian, you´re a big meanie."

"OK..." I replied.

"I´m just fucking with you, come I´ll show you around."

(continued)...

DANGEROUS DOLL PARTS (continued):

"An effective way to control a vampire is to avoid eye contact, since that is his major weapon. That explained why Edith talked to me with the lights out, " I said to Mark while we were on our way to Droogie´s place.

"I´m just trying to figure out how long will it take her until she loses it," he said.

"No, i´m not looking forward to that day because I know it can be any minute now, she´s doing on purpose and she´ll do it again, still can´t get over what I did at my own birthday."

"Ohhh, that´s heavy."

I decided to pull the same gimmick that I did on Halloween last year, to don my White Rabbit disguise because I was blindly following the little dead girl´s advice, to blur between fantasy and reality, aren´t I always doing that? A young careless boy playing with matches, that was exactly the same opinion some critics had about me.

However my disguise was slightly different from the design Droogie´s designer came up with; mine had longer, crooked ears and had some minor shiny appliques. Mark seemed puzzled and crossed his arms, "And just what exactly are you trying to prove with that, my friend? They´ll think you´re pissed because you came up with the idea first."

Then I said, "Yes,  technically I did, but do you believe in coincidences?"

"No, not really, but yes that artists keep stealing concepts from each other since the dawn of time. Ideas belong to no one."

"Are you familiar with the concept of synchronicity?" I continued.

"Oh, wasn´t that the title of The Police album?" guessed Mark.

"Close. You see,  it´s the experience of two or more events, that are apparently causally unrelated or unlikely to occur together by chance, that are observed to occur together in a meaningful manner, it´s a Jungian concept, Edith taught me all about it. I know it happens very often but I want to find out why does it happen around me. I experienced it with Droogie, with Janie and with that mysterious Jewish girl Caroline. And I believe that the answer is right in front of me."


"You inspired them! Could we easily say you´re some kind of muse?" said Mark.


"But how could there be so many coincidences in such a short period of time, there has to be something like a mechanism..."


"At what time you said we were supposed to be there again?" asked Damien, who was doing all the driving, by the way.


" 11 o´clock; all hallows rise at eleven," I answered with a deep, eerie voice.


"Pfff, you guys are deeply messed up!" replied Damien.


"Oh, no shit! You didn´t see what this fucker here did for his initiation in his college days, see had to carry a rabbit´s head sort of like this one and walk around completely fucking naked..."


"That doesn´t seem so bad..." said my young assistant.


"Well not if you´re in front of a sorority holding a sign that said, " I WON´T PUT MY CLOTHES ON UNTIL YOU GUESS WHO I AM," I continued.


"So how long did it take them?"


"Not much, but there was some very heavy petting in the meantime..."

What was Droogie's birthday party was actually the afterparty, we would meet only after the concert.

Look at us, we're the kings and queens of the night, our ruling ends until we want is, so what gives if our day officially begins at noon? At least you'll have the Sun over your head. So here´s to a never ending night of madness!


(continued)...

DANGEROUS DOLL PARTS.

A cavalcade of dreams came along a few minutes before I regained consciousness.


I find it incredibly curious how sometimes ordinary songs can mingle with whatever the Hell you're dreaming at the moment.

It happened one Sunday morning when I was about twelve, I believe and it was a very hot summer, one the longest I could recall. When one is incredibly lazy and thinks he has all the time in the world to spare sleeping is indeed a joyful experience.

But this one song woke me up little by little, She's Leaving Home

She (we gave her most of our lives)
is leaving (sacrificed most of our lives)
home (we gave her everything money could buy)
She's leaving home after living alone for
so many years (bye bye)

and at the same time I was dreaming I was in a hospital bed.

It really made no sense at the time but I remember it dearly every time I listen to Sargeant Pepper.

This time, however the background music had a more somber tone.I saw myself in the mirror and was still in bed when Edith rose and grabbed me from behind and hugged as hard as she could and simply said,

"Now you´re the Black Rabbit."

I got up some minutes later and examined my left side where the tattoo was and this time it remained the same, it really didn´t shift or changed color like a few days ago. Hmm, it turns out to be that if I paid attention to Edith´s advice The White Rabbit would go away, the same way it happened that dreadful night.

Whatever, throughout the day I felt very relaxed; spent some quality time at the studio as I came up with new ideas for other paintings for Mr. Cohen´s twisted experiment, however Damien kept asking me if there was something wrong and not only him but other random people that came over. And I said, "No,  I´m OK, I guess you can call it tamed. Edith is talking to me again, that´s all, oh, but the things she´s making me do..."

"Such as?" asked Damien with a little naive voice.

"Well, you know, she accepts my um, controversial lifestyle, but...it´s the little things she can´t handle, actually she wants to have me analyzed, like in therapy."

"But that´s like assuming you´re insane, and takes all the excitement away from art, doesn´t it?"

"We´re all mad here indeed, it´s just that she wants to prove it, a part of her is highly skeptical," I continued.

"I see...well you can´t argue with that."

"Edith just wants to see me healthy in all the sense of the word but I can´t because that´s incredibly, incredibly boring. I make myself sick, it attracts people, it makes them want me even more."

"That´s heavy, I didn´t realize you were too self-destructive..."

I turned around and looked at Damien firmly, "Yeah, well don´t go too far or you´ll get incredibly hurt."

"Mmmmkay, I´ll put a hold on that, anyway, what do you suppose Freddie wants from you?"

"Power, incredible power beyond his wildest dreams. If this works it will be even better than any social network out there, to be more precise, the supernatural social network; literally connecting people with one another in their sleep."

"And you think you need to be examined!" cried Damien.

"Would you like to go to a real party this time?" I asked boldly. "I received an invitation for Droogie´s birthday..."

"REALLY? Well, I mean, is that possible?"

"Dude, didn´t you just get the message that anything is possible with me? I know Edith won´t go because it´s a school night but I can. However, I´m already some sort of celebrity around these parts and I don´t anymore scandals for at least another week or two."

"When did you say it was again?"

"Excellent, welcome to my dark side, feel free to take pictures..."

(continued)...

CONTAINED.

Laying by Edith's side now seemed very comforting but I still had some dues to pay. She was being malignant and manipulative because she figured out the way I move from one relationship to another; the hunter being hunted,a beast that was tamed not with the powers of seductive beauty or carnal pleasure, only with wit.

By saying this I don't mean to offend smart women, it's just that I never into one quite like this before.

"What a sad day it is, a very, very sad day..." said a deep manly voice with a rather arrogant tone...for sure it was The White Rabbit again. His rabbit hood began to look like some sort of sick trademark.

"Come, I need to show you something..."

"Why do I get the sinking feeling I won't like it?" I said and he pulled me out of bed without giving the time to think it over.

We went down the stairs until we had reached the basement, however the staircase was beginning to look sort  very peculiar. The walls were covered with moss and there was barb wire all over  the banister; this was the least welcoming place to invite anyone, it seemed more descending slowly into Hell.

However, there were several people patiently waiting to see what I believe was to be a movie, but then again it seemed more like the days when the teacher projected boring documentaries to tame the noisy brats. I knew none of them.

I wasn´t that much surprised to find out that in the end they showed Droogie´s new video of the sing inspired by the title of one of my paintings. In fact, it wasn´t the first time an artist collaborated with rockstars, in the tradition of Andy and his amazing discovery of the The Velvet Underground, but I´m sure New Yorkers are familiar with that story so no need for details.

And speaking of the latter, Droogie insisted in bringing back that incredible vibe of the 70s glam scene evoking all the great ones such as Gary Glitter and even Bowie. The style definitely seemed to fit like a glove for a girl like her but for a guy like me it was incredibly controversial. I still wonder if we could have probably met in another life but as a popular phrase says, "creative minds think alike," so that shakes the whole supernatural aura about all this business. Yet, people wanna hear those stories when they are so ignorant about art, sometimes they think our work was chiseled by the gods.

Damn, that ghost girl was sitting next to me, shifting her image as usual; this time she had a black velvet attire, her hair was dyed turquoise yet her porcelain face remained the same.

"Don´t you find this exciting, Adrian?"

"What, her? I inspired her to use the rabbits, I´m not surprised..."

"Well, you should be, The White Rabbit sure is, they all look like him! And you know what that means..."

"That he´s becoming like a sort of trend?" I said trying to guess what she babbling about.

"I bet if you dressed like him every once in a while others will eventually want to see more of him. If you do so, your transformation will be complete."

This last part reminded me of the conversation I had at my birthday party with Caroline because she begged me to define myself. Well, I thought I made that clear already, I know who I am, the one I know so very little of is Mr. White Rabbit here, and if the world wants me to become him for a while then so be it. Like I explained in an interview not so long ago;

I don´t censor it, I contain it.

COMPLACENCY. (continued).

And the darkness flooded the living room. I went in there to find Edith for her messages carried a huge buildup of what she desperately wanted to tell me. The suspense was killing me, literally killing me.

My afternoon felt so uneasy that I pondered the idea that everything would soon be over after being tagged as a sort of monster from the underworld who did nothing to prey on the innocent and drink their youth away like some pricey wine. Oh, but Edith wasn´t just any ordinary wine; her sole presence infused me and fulfilled me. Her eyes, her thin lips that seemed drawn with a fine paintbrush and a heavenly body that made me feel just like a child. Then it was when I realized that if I grew too attached to her she would become protective and dominant and eventually control me...yes, she did have a dark side, a terrible, castrating dark side like the tarantula she dreamed about once.

"Please don´t hate me, Adrian," she began, " I really don´t want to be the villain here, but I did some thinking, God! very heavy thinking and I...I admit I was sort of selfish because I wanted you all to myself like any girl would...but then I was also suffocating you and not letting you be harboring and contaminating you with this insecurity that I´ve been nesting all these years."

"Can I say something?" I asked. "Why would you think I use people to get where I want? That´s exactly what I´m supposed to do, you know, meet people who know people, that´s all."

"Adrian! I am aware of that, " she interrupted, "I´m sorry if I labeled you as some kind of sleazy manipulator, I guess I misjudged you."

"Wait, misjudge? It sounds like you barely know me," I said somewhat upset.

"You can never stop knowing someone, and especially someone like you."

"So can we pretend this never actually happened?"

"Um, no, but...I have learned from you."

"I thought it was the other way around..."

"No, I mean you've taught me how to live, while I have made you see the darkest corners of your mind, so you could at least do me a great big favor in putting a little bit of more effort into, you know, certain habits."

"OK, I get it. So does that mean that this feud is over."

"Mmm, no, not quite. You see, you have to do something for me first."

Oh, now what?

"Listen, you always told me that art is so incredibly sincere that is easily communicates what you're most afraid of without saying a word. Well, I want you to draw your biggest fears."

"I'm sorry, didn't I make it clear with the last pieces I showed you?" She began to creep me out.

"Fine, you don't wanna do it then I'll make you to go to a specialist and believe me it's no going to be pretty..."
She grasped my hands and looked directly into my eyes; "You can do it, you can beat that demon of yours that´s keeping us apart..." She kissed me gently and embraced me so tightly but there was something different about it, so motherly...and yet at the same time how much she needed me.

COMPLACENCY. (continued).

I got a text message from my cell this morning which belonged to Edith...funny way of communicating now through gadgets, this results so cold and impersonal , I suppose she´s giving me a hard time until I come around.

It said; "I have something important to tell you, I´ll see you at night. "

Just like that, no more no less. I´m tired of these stupid mind games she pulls on me but that´s what you get for hanging out with a smart girl who loves to toy with the human psyche. How perfect because she claims to have discovered how I deal with my relationships...saying I´m a psychic vampire, that I suck the energy out of people just because I´m too weak to live with my own self. Ironically this keeps attracting others...I surround myself in sadness all the time to ignite the compassion in others. Today was like that; Damien offered me a few of his life lessons and now it was Janie´s turn.

She was staying with some friends until it was time to go back to Tokyo. A few hours later I received an invitation from her which sort of seemed like a date but I wouldn´t go that far, unless she was aware that I wasn´t in a relationship. Oh snap, I just realized I updated my online status to It´s Complicated. No wonder I have been getting comments all day.

She insisted she wasn´t trying to take advantage of the situation; after all, I had to complete a piece for an exhibit names Nendo No Usagi or Year Of The Rabbit, so I heard.

Janie convinced me to go to Chinatown; haven´t been there in a while and I felt sort of nostalgic, besides I couldn´t think on an empty stomach.

And speaking of gut feelings, she did have something rather important to tell me. I first explained about my current situation on the love department because I was lifting too much controversy. She looked as charming as ever; short, golden brown hair, gorgeous uplifting smile and wide eyed, especially when she looked at me.

"Green tea?" she asked.

"Yes, thank you."

"What a wacky night that was back at your house, huh?" she giggled. "So how have you been? I noticed your status changed, was that intentional?"

"Pro-ba-bly," I said. "Are you familiar with the term psychic vampire?" I asked.

"Hmm, no, not really, but it sure sounds like something taken from a zombie movie!"

"That´s what Edith called me. It´s stands for someone who cannot tolerate living with his own shadow thus he hunts other people´s personality and uses them for his own benefit until they are sucked dry. Then when the time comes he dumps them and goes out with someone else."

"Huh, huh!" she cried like a child. "That´s waaaaay out! But it sounds more like someone who just hangs out with the popular kids at school because he´s too afraid of not getting noticed."

"Yeah, I understand. Maybe she came to that conclusion because every time I am in a new relationship and I take everything from them, even little things like the music they listen to. Then it´s like when I´m alone I have no identity."

"Oh, that reminds me of that book, Perfume, remember?"

"The killer with a strong sense of smell, yeah, sure, what about him?"

She continued, "You see, in the last chapters after he decides to travel to Grasse he notices he didn´t have a scent of his own, like he was an empty, soulless creature, that´s why the nuns were afraid of him."

"Mmmm, yeah, so, am I a soulless creature like a demon or something?"

"No, silly boy," she patted me on the head."

"What if I said I´m the White Rabbit? Would that help?"

"Then you will suffer his same fate, which is that you will lead others through dream worlds and blur the lines between what´s real and what´s not in order to find some kind of spiritual growth."

"You sure know a lot of things for someone your age, how come?"

She giggled again, "My grandfather grew up in a Shinto temple, he used to teach me things like that all time when I went to visit for the summer. Which brings me to the reason why I actually brought you here in the first place."

She paused and had a sort of worried look; " Listen, I know you´re one of the very few persons who I can share this with. I´ve been having some very strange dreams lately..."

"Dreams are strange, unless they are different from what you usually see, what are they?"

"I don´t know, it´s a lot like getting up in the morning and watching the news. All I saw was a small village being eaten up by the sea. Children and mothers crying for the loss of their houses. It keeps waking me up in the middle of the night."

"Do you think something bad will happen?" I asked politely as I continued sipping some the green tea she gave me.

"Well, having visions is not normal for me, but then again everybody has them. It´s just probably the anxiety for going back home, that´s all."

"I´ll remember that. I never forget."

"That´s so sweet, Adrian-chan! I won´t forget you too! Best friends?"

"To be honest I never had a best friend before; Edith´s the closest thing I ever had..."

"Then you´ll have to define what she means to you..."

"I already have my hands full with these new projects and all, but I promise I will try."

"Don´t promise anything, pretty boy , just do it."

Wow, her words truly caused an effect on me, even stronger than any other drug.

 (continued)...

COMPLACENCY.

It has happened to me more than once than when I'm most down and out an unexpected visitor comes along and tells me exactly what I need to hear, not what I wanna hear, at least that was what Demian made me realize. He arrived a tad early as as usual hooked to his MP3 like a leech; he also happened to be a big Droogie fan by the way thus it became easier to befriend and to control.

He was 21 and a sophomore from my own college and had high hopes to become like me someday...or something like that. Every other he came to my studio to make errands and minor things I don´t do anymore such as preparing and priming canvases, that earned some credits. Also I understood he was very chatty and indiscreet.

"You know what? I think she's just obsessed with you..."

"Thank you very much but isn't everybody else?" I said.

"Of course, but I mean it's just that because she wants to have you but she knows she can't...hence the name White Rabbit; everybody wants to follow you yet they can never catch you..."

"That's not what I want."

"Oh, come on! You wanna go steady with her or what?"

I grew puzzled. "What makes you think I´m not?"

"A live-in girlfriend is not going steady, at least not in my book. Technically she´s not a wife but she behaves like one, but you don´t believe in that crap, right?"

"Not yet, so what if I never marry?"

"Well,  that´s your problem but she seems to be like the type of girl who wants to..."

That last commentary seemed more than obvious, and I did have a conversation with her about that last year. I remained silent while I was doing some measurements on a piece of cotton fabric.

"I guess that´s the big difference; I can´t help being popular, I wasn´t even this popular in high school. That girl is a total mystery sometimes. Look at me, I´m pretending not to care about this and now you got me taking ´bout her again."

"Oh, sorry, dude, you did seem down today and now that I know why I´ll skip the subject..."

"Yeah, I would love that," I continued.

"So is true you have painted with blood? I was just asking..."

"Yeah, but it was just an experiment, The Rabbit Of The Infinite Strength has it. I accidentally cut my hand with a small knife so I just drew around it. The blood turns sort of maroon eventually hardens because it´s exposed the oxygen so I came with a quick sealant and some lacquer. It was on the eyes, by the way. Anyway since the effect it gives is similar to watercolor I finished the rest of the body with it with the same brushes and there you go. Some random girls owns it now."

"Could you that technique more often?" asked Damien with glowing eyes.

I smirked, "Nah, I couldn´t do that, I´m already too controversial if I did that they´d think I self-mutilate every now and then."

"Have you? You can tell me..."

"No! I don´t need any more goddamn rumors, the next thing you know I would probably be attracting serial killers S&M lovers, perverts, who knows..."

"R-ight."

"But there´s still something about them that attracts people anyway, it´s like the secret recipe, and that my friend I will take to the grave."

"Boy, you sure feel comfortable talking about creepy stuff, you´re not into black magic?"

I laughed and felt much better, "In fact I´ll do it if you don´t stop talking! That´s what happened to the last guy who wouldn´t cooperate with me; I turned him into a rabbit and is named Scraps."

I made him laugh too, "S-sure..."

"I´m just fucking with you, come on, I wanna show you something I´ve been working on..."

(continued)...

SATURNINE.

I'm no psychic but I was still right; the next day Edith refused to talk to me, and when I mean talking I mean a full introspective conversation like we used to have at the end of last year. I was still wondering what else could have driven her to take this rough decision because she managed to survive this tidal wave of madness on my behalf.

One of the reasons could be because it´s hard for me to maintain my promises, especially the ones I make to her. Is our thing truly serious or is it just a game? Was I using her or was I the one being used?

Edith...the real reason her dad won´t talk to her is because of me.  She faced him several times, sort of conservative fellow, harmless, really but with his feet well put on the goddamn ground. He made a very ugly remark one day;

"I didn´t realize you actually dated your patients, are you allowed to do that?"

And then she came back to me incredibly offended including me and she went, "Nah, forget it! Dad´s greatest talent has been always pissing me off, someone should probably give him a medal or something."

It´s like a certain a part of her wants me so badly the same way a kid wants a rare animal and put in a cage, while the other part is terrified the way a child runs away from the monster under the bed.

I kept thinking of that one song that was playing on my MP3 that time when Edith found me half dead in my apartment; it made sense then and it makes sense now...

This music to cut your veins to was never a personal favorite,it was Daniel's. I suppose it's some kind of bad karma I had to pay for hanging out with goths.

I couldn't afford to be depressed that day since I kept myself busy but still an unexpected call reminded me of my unevitable frailty.

"Hello, dear!" That was mom with her bittersweet voice.

"This is indeed surprising," I added. "Why did you call me so early?" It was around 10 AM if I'm not mistaking.

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" she continued.

I sighed deeply, "...No, not really. I mean I am busy right now but go right ahead."

"Well, you sound strange, which is basically the reason why I called you. Just the other day while I was in the living room I stared for several hours that marvelous painting you gave us last year, remember?"

"Oh, yeah, that one! What about it?"

"I'm not sure how to say this but it made me grow concerned about you...now I'm not saying that you're in danger but are you feeling alright lately?"

I didn't answer immediately, "...Yes, I am, like I said I have been very busy..."

"How' s Edith doing?"

Oh, damn, I couldn't keep acting like nothing happened, "...not so good, I mean between us. We had a fight...a huge fight."

"I knew it, I had a feeling something like that was brewing, but it's nothing serious?"

"I, I don't know..." I leaned against the thick walls in my studio while I stared outside the window with a disgusting melancholic look. "I guess it's my own fault."

"Adrian, Honey, you know that's not true, she's also partially responsible even if you don't want to admit, so please, stop blaming yourself!"

I sighed.

"But alright, I trust you, just keep in touch and take good care of yourself."

"Don't love me too much," I ended.

I didn't miss that comment about the painting; it seems they're connected to my pain. That gives a whole new meaning to the age old phrase, "Even walls have ears..." Beautiful.

SOUL FOOD (continued).

"Well go on, try some, I'm sure you'll feel much better," said the girl with a soft british accent. Hmm, she never spoke that way before.

So I reluctantly took a bite of that ordinary piece of toast and took it back immediately, it was terrible...

"Is something the matter, dear? Is it too hot?" asked the girl.

"Is it too cold?" asked The White Rabbit.

"No, no, none of that!" I shouted. "It tastes like...like, broccoli."

And then I had a flashback of that day I felt horribly sad about the dream I had which made no sense at all, but then again it did; it was a clear warning to take care of myself because my bad health brought these numerous consequences.

I understood the message well, but what I still wanted to know was who the Hell was I talking to.

"That's peculiar..." said the girl softly. "...mine has always tasted like honey."

"Are you doing this on purpose? Why does mine taste like this?"

"Oh, it's just plain toast, it's not even buttered," replied the girl.

"Yeah, why are you making such a big deal about it, Adrian?" said the White Rabbit in a crappy tone.

"Because it tasted terrible! And how did you know it was something I never liked eating."

"Quite frankly I was not aware that you despised that curious vegetable, in fact I heard it does wonders."

"Yeah!" I said in a louder tone. "Well that still doesn't make it taste better, I won't have it, thank you."

"Well, in that case let me have it then." She tasted exactly the same piece that I did and happily cried, "Isn't that strange, it tastes just like honey!"

"How do I know you're not pretending it's honey?" I asked.

"Because I wanted it so badly to taste like yours and it didn't..."

"Alright," said The White Rabbit. "Let me try, that way you'll know she's not lying." I looked with mistrust but he kindly said after nibbling that almost stale bread, "Hey, it tastes like...like, waffles, blueberry to be exact!"

"Ok, now I'm walking out of here, this doesn't make any sense, can I please go to sleep now?"

"Oh, come now..." said the girl putting her hands around her waist, "we're having a most introspective morning, don't you agree?"

"I couldn't agree with you more, My Dear," said The White Rabbit. They were plotting against me to drive me insane but hasn't happened just yet, although...

"You said waffles? That reminded me of something..." I said to the lustful other me.

"Yes, I know! That made you happy, didn't it?"

"Wait a minute, this is no coincidence, why are you playing this sort of game with me?"

"No, no, it's not a game, actually breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" cried the little girl.

"This is a dream, it is, I know it is! A lucid one, so I'm sleeping, not eating, good night!"

"How can you sleep when it's quite clear that you need to eat?" asked the White Rabbit boldly.

"Yes, why else would we be here, you invited us, so I think it's terribly rude to treat you guests this way!" cried the little girl.

Ah, dammit! They were right, I was terribly hungry. They gave a lot to think about because this was the way my own mother used to treat me...

SOUL FOOD.

I had finally fallen asleep around 2 AM but I woke up again at 3:15 according to the hour on my cellphone.


Aghh, I haven't had dreams for a while instead just painful hallucinations.


This time I saw a small white rabbit out on the streets and it glowed with a neon blue light. I take it that he wanted me to follow him, so on we went through Central Park until it conveniently stopped right in the middle of the Alice In Wonderland statue. I came panting and as I was struggling to come back to my senses an eerie voice said; EAT ME...


Everyone knows that statue quite well but Alice looks more dominant in it than she did in the storybooks, so I guess it could have been her who said that.


EAT ME!


I approached the figure of Alice but to my surprise it seemed as she was made out of gingerbread. It began to crumble right in front of me and some of the pieces landed on my hands.
EAT!

God! I couldn't sleep anymore, these voices in my head were killing me, well, just disturbing me.

"Hello, Adrian...good morning!"

I stood on the edge of my seat and cried, "You, here? I don´t freaking believe it!" That was the dead little girl I had mistaken for Caroline, and to my surprise she wasn´t alone; the other me, the White Rabbit was there too. He did look more suave and sophisticated like me. His outfit was very similar to the one wore last Halloween, a hood complete with long ears and silver leather pants.

The girl, on the other hand had a blue nightgown, not sure if that was her favorite color.

They both sat on the sofa, drinking what I believe was tea and there were several pieces of toast laid down on the coffee table.

"There you are, will you join us for breakfast?"

I nodded. "I´m sorry, but I think it´s a very unlikely hour to do that, don´t you think?"

"Now, now," said the little girl in a very subtle way. She did sound very different than from my previous encounters, with more manners. "I think that´s rather rude..."

"Very, very rude indeed," said the other me as he sipped his tea.

"Am I really dreaming again?"

"What is life but a dream?"

Clearly they were quoting Alice In Wonderland so the only way to make it out alive was to speak the same language, even if it didn´t make any single goddamn sense.

(continued)...

BAD MANNERS. (continued):

Are you done now?


No, I'm not.


When will you be done then?


The puzzle's almost done but I can't complete it alone, you see. Find the missing pieces...


You can't be serious.


I may speak in a language that you can't understand sometimes Adrian, but you have to see with your heart not your eyes. And I am being serious so don't waste more time...

"He's coming back..."

Echoes, ghostly voices from far away pounded in my head...

"Adrian, what happened to you this time?" Edith. She looked mad, very mad...oh damn.

"A brief moment of weakness, I suppose, that's what occurred to me." I was back. Not quite in the same bed but in the living room on a nice red leather sofa.

"Well, you sure have clever names for your issues...what am I going to do with you? I helped you once and..."

"I know! I was supposed to overcome all this but then it seems that every single time I fall into such a stressful situation I go ahead and do this unconsciously."

"Then you have to find some other way to face your problems...look, you're acting as if my words never made a real difference and I feel like a wanna give up on you...you're impossible."

"Fine. I won't torture you anymore you don't deserve this."

"If there's ever a word to define you it would be a vampire..."

"A what?"

"A psychic vampire, that's what."

"I believe I heard that before, so it's nothing new."

"Good, then if you understand it, there's no need to discuss it with you anymore."

Your frailty sickens her...

"Did you say something?"

"I said...oh, forget it."

That's not a new word that she said, in fact I read it from one of her books. Would that mean that she'd get rid of me? I wouldn't know. What I have found out is that I tend to absorb my partner until I become exactly like them because I'm too afraid of being myself. It makes sense; I really wasn't much into reading or researching until I met Edith.

In the case of Daniel, well that was whole different story, but then again exes are exes, they should never get in the way or act like ghosts. Maybe it´s time for me to burn those memories for good.

BAD MANNERS (continued):

Are we done now?

No...not really, mom...I'm sorry, I can't continue, can I be excused?



I'm afraid you can't, my dear, this is for your own good, you need to finish or you won't get better...



But I am feeling better right now!



That's what you think but only I know that's not true...


Please...

"Adrian, wake up, wake up..."

"What happened?"

"You, um, I found you lying unconscious in your apartment. But it´s OK, you´re gonna be OK...I need to ask you something but you have to be totally honest with me."

"What?"

She embraced me tightly as I felt her deep sigh. She proceeded to examine every last bit of me, that looked very malnourished, "Why are you doing THIS?"

I paused. I couldn't believe she was still bringing this up...this was supposed to be SO over, so buried in the past, but it moved me and even clouded my eyes...I didn't have the heart to tell her.

"I...I'm trying very hard not to..."

"Dear God, Adrian, you just can't ...."

"I know, I know we've been through this before, but it's not that simple."

"Fine, I won't interfere like I said...it's your body anyway, besides this situation is making feel sort of guilty, and you know what? You're hurting yourself, not me or anyone else....it feels like you're going round in circles."

"I can´t stop. Every time I look at myself in the mirror it´s the same goddamn nightmare."

"But sweetie, you look great, don´t you think the same way? No, apparently, not..."

"No, no,no, it´s not that...it´s..."

"Well then what is it?"

Now my eyes became cloudier and I curled up to one side of the bed, but God, why did it feel so empty? I was truly besieged with her comments, so intimidating, scrutinizing...I felt truly filthy and cold.

"I don´t regret what I did...because it helped me realize something."

"What´s that?"

"I didn´t like who I was back there, that´s all, but now that I look at you I wanna be born again."

"That´s...that´s so sweet."

"No, kid, you are sweet, I'm the Devil." Why would someone like her want to stay with me? I was becoming too self destructive and volatile to jump into another relationship...then again maybe that's exactly what I needed.

BAD MANNERS.

So I went to talk to Edith that very same night but sadly her attitude didn't improve one bit.

I take it because this time she truly felt offended for the way I treated her, not so much about who I hung out or spoke or made out with...what bothered her the most was my two faces because no girl in her right mind tolerates assholes.

So there she sat near the window staring all melancholic at the ever so uninspiring cloudy sky. This time she was wearing her favorite red pajamas and she knew well that was kind of a big turn off for me, so I think she definitely did it on purpose. And to top it all she was avoiding eye contact with me.

"Ok..."I began sounding slightly defeated. "We haven't formally talked since yesterday "...but I'll try to come up with a decent explanation that satisfies you..."

"Go ahead," she said in a notorious curt tone.

"Dammit...look, I can't help being who I am, I thought you already understood that, so why are you acting like this all of a sudden? What is it exactly that bothered you?"

"You must know, you can read minds, remember?" Now she was being sarcastic.

"I'm sorry for leaving you all alone yesterday but again I couldn't help myself..."

"I'm not complaining about that Adrian, do you hear me complaining?"

"Then what is it?!"

"I, I just can't believe I'm talking to the same person anymore...I, I would have loved to blame it on the fact that you did drugs yesterday and if that were the case then believe me you wouldn't have lived to tell it."

"So that's it, that's it..."

"But I knew it wasn't that because you would never do something so goddamn awful as that, so I just assumed that you were just playing with me."

"I did not!"

"Just answer me this; why did you suddenly make me feel wanted and then three seconds later you run off with some random girl?"

"Alright, alright, you have a point, that I recognize but you're still being unfair because you cannot share me with the rest of the world, now can't you?"

"That I don't mind at all but you're making me feel like I was the evil queen here, and I'm not."

She paused and sobbed for a while.

"I, I just wanna know if I will be able to trust you anymore when I perceive that you have serious issues. You trusted me well enough to help you through the bad times and how do you repay me? You can't do that to me..."

"Right..."

"But I also wanna see you happy and I've been doing some serious thinking..."

I didn't like the sound of that, I definitely, definitely didn't like the sound of that.

"And I think it's best that we take a break..."

"Edith, that's just like leaving the door open for me to do as I please."

"And that's the point, remember that I told you not to take our relationship for granted? I'm not trying to destroy your dreams of being successful. You'll have to make a choice of what's more important to you right now."

"I don't think that's such a good idea..."

Suddenly the scene was distorting, I felt very weak and collapsed...I swear it wasn´t because of the bad news, I swear...

(continued)...

GHOST TOWN.

"Someone's waiting for you at your office," said Edith giving me a cold stare, although at this point she looked a beautiful corpse in front of me. Her was hair tied up and wearing this handsome dress with flower patterns.I had just arrived while she approached me.

I didn't feel very proud of this reaction of hers. Considering the level of intuition I gained over the past few months it was evidence of a growing apathy that would lead to a possible rupture. I knew I had to handle the situation with great care.

"Well, thank you, I really appreciate that," I responded.

"That's it, is that all you have to say to me?".

"I'm sorry, but what else do you want me to say about something like that?"

"Never mind, just forget it."

"I don't forget that easily and I am actually reading your thoughts right now, Edie..."

She wanted to simply walk away so I gently grabbed her arm.

"Please, don't do this to me, not now..."

"What about what YOU did to me? Or have you forgotten that?"

"I see...we'll discuss that later, alright?"

"Oh, do hope for a later because I won´t." Oh God, now I was truly confused; did she do this on purpose just make me feel awful throughout the rest of the day? I would have to look into that LATER but soon.

On the other hand there was a potential client waiting for me...but, um, Feivel didn´t know about this one, I brought him all by myself; well, actually I had a little help from Mark. It was this techie who had successfully developed apps for social networking, as if there weren´t enough out there. The name was Freddie Cohen; they often confused him the guy who developed anti viruses and such. He was scrawny, pint-sized compared to me and had this completely inexpressive long pale face.

He already gained a strong reputation and a loyal legion of fans for hacking some other social network because a lot of people were getting tired of it. Anyways, this little Jewish golden boy promised to reinvent the way we were connecting without being addictive like a drug. After a friend of a friend of his told about the Playground exhibition he became fascinated with the concept of the number 11 and wanted me to develop more paintings for him. It made sense since that reminded him of binary codes he was determined to see if there were actual subliminal messages in my previous works. That´s right; he was the one who literally snatched 1:11 PM and 11. The first one had a red background and a black rabbit holding a Tarot card with the 11 on it with a handsome grin like the Cheshire Cat. The second one had a stream of 11s against a starry blue background with rabbits hopping through them.

"Are you aware that this is the way that someone´s communicating through you?" asked Freddie in a very low controlled sort of robotic tone.

"Of course..." I answered slightly waving my head. "I figured out it could have been the dead, but then again it could be aliens announcing the end of the world..."

"I understand also that you´ve met Edward K´s agent, Ms. King. He simply refuses to let go of two of his paintings; they believe he actually applied the same unorthodox techniques that you did."

"Yes, I still have no idea why we do what we do..." I answered as I grew puzzled.

"Have you thought of the idea that you are being asked to build something, like a tool or a device?"

"Ha, that´s very trippy, man!" I laughed.

"I´m obsessed with completing something as well, but I´m highly eccentric. I would like you to be a part of an experiment manipulating certain factors so that you can produce these works?"

"To do what?"

"What else? Communicate with the supernatural. Objects leave a certain trace behind..."

Those last words echoed in my head, remembering what Lisa used to say. I couldn´t stand the fact of being required to perform rituals to attract the dead, like a giant Ouija board.

"If it does work, consider it bought and a very generous price."

I liked the sound of that. "Fair enough...let´s wake the dead."