Trickster

The pain above my stomach was still there and it broke my concentration so I threw myself on the couch succumbing to exhaustion.

I completely lost track of time but Edith woke me up.

Hi there, sweetie, are you alright?

I couldn't sleep last night.

How come?

I feel so devastated.

Let me see, God, you are burning up. Since when have you been like this?

I don't know...a few weeks ago but now its seems to be getting worse.

Really?

No, I mean, my stomach. It didn't feel so bad.

It's a sign that you need to get help as soon as possible. Where does it hurt?

Well it's not exactly here..." and then I guided her hand, "It's here."

"But that's not the stomach, it has to be something else..."

"Whatever, it burns, I think."

She went downstairs and brought me these big round pink pills.

"Be careful, okay. Take this, we'll see how you do in the morning, if not you will have to see the doctor."

"Edie..."

"Yes?"

"Would it be too much to ask if you stayed here awhile until I fall asleep?"

She paused for a moment or two, "Sure..."

There had been nothing between us. She knew perfectly I was capable of fucking practically anything that came across me but I never laid a hand on her. Just friends, as we agreed when she moved in here, nothing else. Some people thought that because of this I was a full blown queer. Like it mattered to me, it didn't bother me in the least.

It so happened that my last relationship felt more like a freaking rollercoaster on acid.

I enjoyed what we had together

Are you feeling better now?

You...you're supposed to be dead to me

Actually I am very much alive. Your misconduct is a constant reminder of my foul presence, isn't it?

I wouldn't know that, I...I just lost control.

God, why did I ever run into you, you're weak and so am I but then again I expected you to be stronger, much stronger.

Please don't do this

I'll never go away, not like like this

All I remember is that I fell to the ground and was able to see my own blood spreading across the wooden floor.

I didn´t like who I was back there, I ran away.

Why did you do this, Adrian, you didn´t have to...

I swear I heard her voice calling me out, this felt so familiar, like the time when I was eight years old and fell into the icy waters of the Black River and a stranger offered to fish me out.

And they were right, there was no reason for me to do this other than to seek death, I was seduced by self destruction. The Black Rabbit found me, no doubt.
I might have been talking nonsense, I blamed it on the meds.

---------------

"Hey sunshine, you´ve been out for three whole days, " she said, "how are you feeling?"

"Sore, like beaten up inside."

"That´s because you underwent surgery. They didn´t even let me see you until now."

Fine, now I would be scarred for life. Nothing big actually but enough to remind me of my reckless behavior. I didn´t have the heart to tell her the truth.

"They say you have to stay here for a few weeks, it seems that it will be a slow recovery. Fortunately you´re strong, very strong."

"What else did they tell you, did they figure what´s wrong?"

She paused and sighed for a moment, her tone changed dramatically, "It was a long night, I had no idea what they were talking about, however I trust you and assume that you take good care of yourself."

"What if I didn´t? I wasn´t that unconscious because I heard you..."

She turned away, "Why are you saying that?"

"You asked me why would I do this?"

"Do what?"

I tried to get up but I was definitely sore. "That´s alright, just lie down, don´t try to move to much. Look, whatever I said we can talk about it later,okay?"
----

I felt a slight pinch in my left side like the sensation of being penetrated by a knife. It was all dark, probably around 3 am or something.

"I can´t sleep..." and tossed and turned.

"Now, now, try not to move, sweetie, you´re still not well."

A nurse approached me.

"Let me adjust the dosage and you'll be out again in no time."

You do know what's wrong with me...

Yes, you had a rather long operation in order to correct something in your stomach

But why did it happen in the first place?

I don't have all the answers! You should know...you are the one who's always throwing up all the time

How...how do you know that?

You said you wanted answers.

Her tone of voice morphed into that of a hissing snake.

The pain felt stronger and noticed the sheets turning red and I yelped.

"Adrian."

Now that was Edie.

"How are you feeling today?"

My eyes were lost and I couldn't focus on any goddamn thing. "I'm still in pain, what did they do to me?"

"Calm down, it's alright. Something was damaged inside you..."

"That's not helping."

"Look, it's way too early to draw conclusions but they did tell me to try to ask you several questions."

"Fuck..."

"Don't get mad, they already ruled out all possibilities and I want you to tell something personal, very personal."

I was already aware of where this conversation was getting to.

"Look, you changed ever since I left. We seldom talk and remain serious and nervous all the time, you hardly eat."

"I am under a lot of pressure, that's all..."

"Yes, and I understand that but sometimes people tend to have strange conducts when they're under a lot of stress."

"And your point is?"

"Adrian, be honest , did you provoke this? Because it has nothing to do with an illness."

"And if I told you would that give you some sort of peace?"

"You're obviously taking this the hard way but the truth will surface sooner or later not "force-fed".

It was a rather gloomy afternoon. A sudden chill made its way into my spine making me try to curl up and sleep.

I closed my eyes again and was walking through a dark room, probably the living room in my loft. As I sat down to rest I threw my hands over my face and sighed. I was all alone.

A woman sat down beside me, she did look like my mother but I could hardly tell, she felt like her indeed. Her touch, the welcoming sound of her voice. She laid my head upon her lap and said, "Afterall, you´re not made of stone."

She unfolded her wrinkled hand and I watched in horror she held something like an organ covered in blood.

"What is that?"

"See what you have done? You have broken the white rabbit´s heart..."

-----------

His name was Daniel

You know how I swore that I would never make a portrait unless that person actually meant something to me or was someone significant?

Yes?

Those were the same words I told him and that pissed him off real bad. That was the main reason why he became obssessed with me. Of course, he always gave me what I was asking for, always knew how to turn me on really good.

Honey, admit it, he used you

Ha, I wish it only were that, he abused my mind besides this body. Anyway, he must have misunderstood he was worthless.

That's definitely not a nice thing to say.

I am perfectly aware of that! I said as my eyes watered. "I mean how was I supposed to know I could hurt someone's feelings like that. I thought he would take it as a joke because most of the time artists gives themselves that sort of permission

Great. So what happened next?

That very same night he challenged me to something I couldn't resist. He said that he would like to be painted nude.

And?

Not a chance, I'm not here to satisfy my fantasies, what a waste. And so the bastard cursed me and left. I guess now it's not trivial anymore it created a sense of guilt.

Okay...

When I came back home a huge emptiness invaded me. Everything around me reminded me of him to my disgrace. I felt sick and disgusted along with a zillion other feelings.

Then I went upstairs into the shower until I was completely soaked.I couldn't let go of his touch, I admit it was incredible so I closed my eyes and slipped my hand down my crotch until I became completely aroused.

After I came the sensation was excactly the same and it faded away.

What feeling?

Pleasure, of course. I couldn't do anything deep down I had to be punished. So I started to deprive myself from anything that brought satisfaction, a lot like when a child is grounded for misbehaving.

It didn't work so I tried something more extreme.

Don't tell me you began to cut yourself...

Why would I do that? Anyway, it happened one night after dinner. I didn't want this, I didn't deserve this at all so I resolved to get rid of it.

And I assume that by getting rid of is...

Yes! And that was it. That made me feel better like being relieved as if all the filth washed away from my body. You thought it was because I was concerned with my image but no, my reasons are powerful than those of a silly little teenage girl.

Adrian, it's not that simple to recover from a breakup. You can't be your own judge. I know that words hurt even more than physical pain but you can't take them back.

It was still my fault.

No, sweetie, of course not. I know you're not perfect but you have to stop doing this, you have to stop hurting yourself.

I...I didn't know what else to do.

Come, I can help you solve this, the only condition I ask of you is for you to trust me, otherwise you'll hardly be able to survive this Hell. You might hate me or stop talking to me but everything I'll do is because of one thing...

Which is...

Because I want you to get better; it just heartbreaking to see like this, you used to inspire me, remember? You never cease to create and that's a wonderful thing. You chose to get involved into a relationship that turned out to be poisonous, it's just that.

Edith, I'm afraid

Afraid of what?

Be honest, this is never gonna go away, is it?

She sighed deeply, "No, yet you can control it."

"What if I can't?"

"You have to find strength, some inner strength

------------

Never had someone made me feel so guilty after that breakup for it seemed that it was an utter failure. I had taught myself to remain strong about the fact that I had different ways of expressing my love and desire but somehow I wasn't ready to maintain a relationship quite like that one. He was something I could taste anytime I wanted but could never eat on a daily basis.

When all the doors shut on me I turned to my painting. I found nighttime the best moment to release my inner demons so the next day I would feel better. It seemed like a fair practice and it went well, it brought some attention and a chance to achieve some fame.

This time however somehowDaniel managed to suck off of me more than I could ever imagine, like a kind of erotic vampire