BLESS THIS CHILD

Mother called in, she wanted to know how I was doing. And as usual I was utterly sincere, and I made her cry. Sorry, I had no reason to lie, it´s just that she doesn´t trust Edith that much. Makes sense, also had to postpone some events, that part I hate.

YOU´RE HUMAN AFTER ALL...AT THE RATE YOU´RE GOING, YOU SHOULD BE OUT IN NO TIME...

"Thanks girl, you are a blessing..." There, I said it. This is one of the very few times I actually admitted that a woman was right at something, I´ve been tripping with the same stone too many times, ´guess this event was my wake up call, hitting rock bottom, or whatever you wanna call it. Luckily, I had a nice view in my hospital room, but then I wish there was a mirror so I could see if I looked pale or emaciated. Not that I cared about my personal appearance, it´s just that these winter diseases always leave so worn out I attract some worried looks and they throw puppy eyes at me and saying, "awww..." Like I said many times,

"Don´t worship me, worship my work!"

But then again, the work is me. As I said once in an interview,

"My art is just an extension of me. Like an oversized limb trying to reach out and touch others."

Have I touched anyone yet? That I´m not sure of, unless I get the proper feedback. And I don´t bother to rummage in my website to find something positive; guest books are so much more intimate and even define personality. Now, I´m not saying that I´m into graphology, but you can tell some things that resembles high school yearbook signatures, such as:

YOU´RE THE BEST, PLEASE NEVER CHANGE!

LOVE YOU, PLEASE MARRY ME!

I´M YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN...

But who´s really sincere tell me; who´s got the freaking balls to say that I´m not that good enough and I should do better. That´s why I fall again and again into the arms of depression. Have I reached the top, am I a God to them? That explains why I was willing to jump the other night, I can now blame it on someone if I want to.

I was feeling like a boulder again, so weak and beaten up inside, I felt a big sting in my chest, knees shaking...

IT´S CALLED RELAPSE, HONEY; MAYBE YOU SHOULD LIE DOWN BEFORE YOU WORSEN...

"I´m sorry, who are you again?" so I asked desperately.

I´M MARLA, THE NURSE FOR THE NIGHT. SO YOU BETTER LISTEN TO ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.

This was gonna be a long night indeed. Some people lack empathy, but in my case you need more than that.

EDITH TOLD ME TO TELL YOU THAT SHE’LL BE BACK IN THE MORNING.

“You do know who I am, don’t you?”

IT’LL BE ALRIGHT, MR. BLACK, SHE TOLD US TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU, IS SHE YOUR WIFE?

Damn, she got me cornered now. “She is my current girlfriend, what makes you think she’s something else?”

The middle aged woman answered politely,

I KNOW SHE ISN’T, BUT SHE SHOULD BE, YOU PEOPLE NEED TO SETTLE DOWN AFTER THE LITTLE STORY SHE TOLD ME.

Great, now even strangers knew I tried to jump off a rooftop like an idiot, they’ll probably think I was high on any drug of your choice.

“I would recommend you to be discreet about my little incident, alright? I’ve a reputation to sustain. And why are you asking me too much about Edith all of a sudden?”

JUST MAKING SMALL TALK.

Well, that sure stirred me up for such a casual conversation. I don’t know whether I was pale because of my illness or because I was freaking nervous. “What do you mean by “you people”?” I asked her as she was forced to go back to bed.

I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART, MR. BLACK, YET I THINK YOU HIDE BEHIND IT. THAT DOESN’T HELP VERY MUCH, IN FACT IT ISOLATES YOU FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD, THEREFORE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU.

“Why do you tell me this, you’re supposed to make me feel better. At least my ‘wife’ knew what I needed to heal faster.”

YOU ARE SO LUCKY, MR. BLACK. YOU COULD HAVE BEEN LABELED AS “MENTALLY UNSTABLE” FOR WANTING TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

“WHAT?” Those words hurt even more than my already sore chest. “You think I hide in my art to avoid getting damaged, is that it? You think you know me, but you have a lot to learn! And I’m not suicidal.”

OF COURSE NOT, YOU’VE BEEN GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE, BOY, USE IT TO TURN THINGS AROUND…

She slipped something into my mouth and I progressively lost consciousness, damn, not the icy water again, I wanted to get out so badly...