Friday, January 29, 2016
Monday, January 18, 2016
Lis hated hospitals; they always brought her down no matter how hard she tried.
She still had her night-gown on and threw on her large burgundy flannel coat and carried nothing but a small purse and her smart phone. The last message she received said,
"Help me, I´m in Hell."
She had been waiting for more than an hour for the doctor to show up. Impulsively she called the her mom. She had just been talking to her the day before for she feared "something unusual" would happen.
"Calm down, sweetie! I´ve never seen you this nervous in ages."
"It´s not just anyone, Ma," said Lis, "I fear I might be losing my best friend."
"He´s always been a troublemaker," said her mother.
"But I love being around him! Anyway, I sure hope it´s nothing serious."
"My prayers go out to that boy. He´s been mislead from the start."
"That´s what you think, not me."
"Did they already tell you what happened?"
Lis´s voice trembled as she clenched her fist, "No, I don´t know much but he was in pain all night and to be honest I didn´t pay much attention of how serious it was. I always give him some privacy. The next thing you know I found him passed out on the floor."
"Oh dear..."
"I feel partially responsible because I know there´s something else. It´s the same story all over again."
"Don´t torture yourself, sweetheart. He´s no longer a cross you have to carry. Take care now, it´s late. Call me when you get home."
It was three in the morning and there was barely a soul in that waiting room. Only the usual reek of disinfectant and the sound of a power plant. A tall middle-aged man was sitting away from her.
His clothes looked aged and hadn´t shaved in weeks.
Lis wasn´t the kind of person to strike a conversation just like that so she kept staring at her smartphone perhaps to compulsively check the weather or update her status. She resisted the need to post she was at the hospital.
"Who the Hell does those things?" she thought to herself. "I swore that I´d never ventilate any of Adrian´s problems just like that."
"35 F and cloudy," it said in an app.
She took a deep breath and went back to watch the old man for a bit. He coughed like a dog and muttered, "Helen, please be alright."
Lis reprised his words, "Adrian, please be alright, please be alright. I need you so much...of course I do, we do."
She suddenly received a text message which startled her a bit. It was Daniel, one of her roomies.
"House is empty, where are you guys?"
She replied as quickly as she could because her fingers were somewhat numb.
"Emergency. I´m at Saint Vincent´s with Adrian. If you want to come please lock up as usual."
"Are u kidding me? It´s waaaay too late. Anyway, good luck."
"Selfish prick," she thought.
She felt the shock wash away slowly and rested her head against the wall.
----
It was about 4:15 AM. The middle-aged man was gone but by then the specialist already arrived."Lisa Summers?"
"That´s my full name, yes," she answered timidly.
"Are you related to Mr. Black?" asked the man in the scrubs. He was a young slender man, probably in his mid twenties with very short hair.
"Actually he´s my boyfriend." Internally she said, "yeah, right. I hope he doesn´t keep asking me any further questions."
"Oh good," he smirked."Listen; he´s gonna be okay. He came down with a high fever which is why he could have collapsed."
"That sounds awful," said Lis in a lower voice.
"Sorry if we took so long to run down some tests but it seems he has developed a condition known as esophagitis. I don´t want to go into much detail but it makes it very painful to swallow due to a tear in the esophagus."
"That sounds even worse."
"Has he been taking any medications?"
"No, not really. He´s always been very healthy, you know."
"There are no signs of any viral infections either. My other theory is that this could be self-induced."
Lis beared a heavy question mark in her head and was heavily concerned.
"You mean he, I´m sorry, did this to himself?"
"It´s just a possibility, Miss. The answer is up to you. He can remain under treatment but he will have to change a few habits, that is if you can provide us more information."
"Sure. Can I see him now?"
"Yes, this way , please."
--------------
Adrian seemed peaceful in bed, as if he hadn´t slept for days. His long ebony hair covered his face subtly and Lis reached down to get a better look. He was unresponsive though and it made her worsen until she broke into tears.
"Why did you do this?" she said as she found a seat. "I don´t know you anymore. It´s like you´ve left me here all on my own and I don´t have a clue how to deal with this. All I can see if that you´re self-destroying and that sucks!"
She breathed heavily, "There, I said it. Doesn´t that make you look completely selfish and all for what, a lousy breakup? Let him go, it´s not worth it."
Then she grasped his left hand, "Please, wake up. There´s so much that we need to talk about. Wake up, wake up."
Adrian answered with a raspy and weary voice. "Lis..."
"Oh my god, yes! It´s me, baby!" Her eyes glowed and she sounded more upbeat.
"Where am I?"
"I assume you don´t remember much," she continued as she played with her raven hair, "We had to bring you here because you´re very sick."
Adrian paused, "Damn. Was it that serious?"
"Yes it was. In fact they said it was self-induced which means you provoked this. Don´t think I don´t know what´s going on. Ever since you broke up with Daniel you´ve been abandoning yourself to the point of starvation."
He sighed deeply.
"I didn´t want to worry anybody; it´s my thing and I´ll deal with it."
"No you can´t! It´s our problem now."
He paused again and sobbed, "Please forgive me."
"Aw, sweetie," said Lis as she ran to hug her deared friend.
"I´m so sorry,kid," he continued, "because I never realized it got out of control."
"It´s a very dangerous thing, Honey," said Lisa drying her eyes with her sleeve. "It´s like walking on thin ice."
"Ha," he said, "it´s funny that you mention that because I just saw that in a dream.
I was running in the middle of a winter day, January perhaps. The place seemed familiar like down the river where my grandpa used to take me when I was five or six."
"The Black River," she said.
"I guess.A small creature appeared across the road like a rabbit. He was black as the back of a crow and had gleaming red eyes. He stood there waiting for me and them I realized I was no longer running away from anything. It was like it found me."
"And then?"
"I followed him and stepped into the frozen river. At the time it seemed interesting. Little did I know the ice was very thin and it easily cracked. So I fell into it and he left me all alone.
Then I heard someone call out to me and I think it was you and then I woke up."
"Is that all true?"
Adrian just nodded.
"Then I think it was a vision of Death. You´re not there yet; you´re only becoming an adult."
------------
A few hours later, around seven in the morning Lis traveled back to the apartment down in Mercer Street on a seven-story building.
A guard probably in his sixties known as Evan stood behind a counter. She always remembered everybody´s names even the passers-by and the one night stands.
"Well, hello, Miss," he said. "You seem tuckered out, did you sleep here last night?"
"No, sir," answered Lis shaking off a little rain water from her coat, "Unfortunately Adrian got sick and he was rushed to the Saint Vincent. He ´s okay now but he just needs to take it easy from now."
"Hmm," said Evan, "But he´s so young! How old is he?"
"Barely in his thrities," sighed Lis.
"That´s the problem with the young ones today; nobody wants to grow old, they devour everything as fast as they can."
"I know but there are few exceptions," winked Lis.
"Oh, not you. You have a motherly attitude; one can see that right away."
"Do you really think so? Bless you. I gotta go."
"Take care," said the man.
---
"Motherly indeed," thought Lis as she stepped into the elevator. "Is that all I am to him and
to everyone else in our home? It makes sense now because I feel like I rescued him back in high school. It´t not a coincidence that "thing" he said about the dream. I pretended I´d never heard about it."
Most of the tenants on that building were artists and what-nots. It was a kind of requisite to have access to these ancient lofts with tall windows and infinite spaces attracted the wildly creative minds.
And among them stood Adrian Black once labeled a great promise and a kind of provocateur comparable to the radiant children like Basquiat, at least that´s what he said. The rest of his roommates were Daniel Hyde, whose main business was male modeling among other things and a little skinny one named Damien.
But Daniel hadn´t been around for days. When Lis found Adrian´s phone by the side of his bed it had tons of messages like there had been a huge rant.
"I guess my bad feelings were right again," sighed Lis.
As soon as she entered the loft Daniel gave her a tight hug, "So how did it go, he´s not dead or anything like that?"
"No, no," said Lis with a trembled voice, "but I´m sorry he had to come to this, this, stupid behavior that makes no sense at all! You know it wouldn´t surprise me if you talked him into this."
"Wait," said Daniel, "you blame me for talking Adrian into becoming "manorexic"? That is so not fair."
"Well I don´t know who else to blame."
"It´s him and you should know better so stop lying to yourself."
"Will you help me, please?" said Lis pressing her hands against his.
"Sure!"
"He´s gonna need all our support because the healing process won´t be that easy. And by the way he´s not "manorexic" , it´s more like bulimic."
"That´s even worse!"
"Yes it is." Lis went back upstairs to her room to find a change of clothes before she headed back to the clinic but she was feeling more tired than ever. Before that she decided to go back into Adrian´s studio and tidy up a little.
he had left a red fake leather sketchbook behind. Lis thought it was out-of-place and decided to put it back however she took it with her.
She also made some calls to make sure she was excused at work.
Lis dressed in a simple manner and threw on a large turquoise blouse under a pair of dark leggings and went downstairs to have a last look in the mirror in the foyer.
"We´re all mad here; you should have known by now," she said.
As she passed down the exquisite and lavish neighborhood in Manhattan in her BMW she could
only think that fame comes with a price. Underneath that glamorous skin of Soho once stood a
paradise for the bohemian and a much darker realm at the beginning of the twentieth century.
It seemed not everything around here has ever been that pretty; there is a dark side to
everything.
Adrian loved the darkness, he felt safe in it. He said it worked best to feed his
imagination. He also hated to be a cultural stereotype but back in Elyria, in the nineties he
was known as a shady, scrawny kid who hung out with the goths outside the parking lot in high
school.
The majority of these kids grew up being told they were going to Hell; some of them already
felt they were in it! They wanted to leave by the age of eighteen.
At least those were Adrian´s plans. It seemed that he had carefully penned them in his
journal.
It was his mystique which attracted Lisa in the first place. She was practically spoon fed
with ideas that was going to be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife and eventually the
perfect mother.
She was an overachiever for the moment thanks to the help of her dad. Somewhere along they
way she forgot all about that because all she really cared about was to be loved.
When she began to harbour feelings for that mysterious boy was when she fell into the deepest
rabbit hole.
After a while she got invited to a party on at the end of October, not exactly Halloween. She
went with some friends and stayed for a couple of hours even though she was not allowed to.
She even wore black lipstick as a kind of gesture.
She waited until she was left alone to pursue Adrian who went quietly with another boy into
the bushes. She could barely see them for they clad in black from head to toe like two big
bears. They held hands and smiled with ease probably because they were too drunk.
Lisa stopped and stood there bathed in the moonlight feeling her hair tickling her skin with
the breeze. Although this was uncomfortable she hardly cared.
Adrian had slammed that short-haired boy with the skin-tight shirt against the tree and began
to make out with him. Progressively he pulled down his pants and devoured every last bit of
that trashy-looking, beer guzzling man. She glanced at the Devil himself.
She was careful enough to vanish the scene and the party at that house as well; hers was only
a few blocks away.
By the time she got there she went into her room around one in the morning. She quickly
removed her Doc Martens and wiped off the dark lipstick.
"Fuck!" she repeated this many times in her head. "You´re so stupid, Lis."
Still not everything was a tragedy for the time to show her true feelings would come along;
precious feelings of empathy.
One morning at school Lisa arrived earlier than usual because her mom had dropped her off.
She had seen Adrian on a bench with his on his knees holding a cigarette in one hand.
She boldly approached him and said softly, "Hey, I´ve seen you in Art class."
"Yes," he answered. "Do I know you?"
"No, you wouldn´t but I was at a party down at Kevin´s last weekend."
"Oh, right."
"Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you have an amazing talent. You could be famous one
day and make it big."
"Thanks but I think I started off on the wrong foot."
"How come?"
He took another puff and continued, "They found out."
"I´m sorry?"
"My parents; somehow they found out I´m gay."
Lisa froze for a while and remained silent, "I am so sorry to hear that but," she stumbled in
her own words, "I think you´re still great. In fact you´re far too special to be stuck in
this town."
"Truth is I´m not sure whether I want to show up in class."
"What if this is just a phase, you know, that you´re being curious?"
"No. I´m fully convinced. There´s no turning back."
Lisa had felt that day that she was talking to the most adult-like person in the planet and
she was ashamed. Her fantasies were being torn apart by wild animals and the only reasonable
thing to do was to make the pain go down. So she held his hand tightly and said, "What if you
come in with me? Hardly anyone pays attention to me."
"Why?"
"We could say that we met at the party and now we´re sort of going out and they won´t
suspect."
"That´s the stupidest idea."
"At least I´ll be by your side. Please let me be your friend; I believe in you."
And so she did for that and other powerful reasons they stuck together and became confidants
throughout high school and decided to move to New York hoping their dreams would come true.
They did but the ride would still be bumpy like now.
You see even though Adrian was surrounded by an incredibly sweet girl there was a shadow that
had been after him for years; a creature he could never fully grasp but it was most of the
time rabbit-like.
"Inle," she thought.
Lisa became her master´s assistant. She was the one who had all the connections to most of
the big galleries in the country, that´s what a smart girl does. This time "they" were after
a Jewish guy known as Fiver which base was in Chelsea; in fact all the hot new artists wanted
to show there. Adrian became obsessed with this fellow because he once claimed to know Mary
Boone and who was a very big name in the nineties.
She still had her night-gown on and threw on her large burgundy flannel coat and carried nothing but a small purse and her smart phone. The last message she received said,
"Help me, I´m in Hell."
She had been waiting for more than an hour for the doctor to show up. Impulsively she called the her mom. She had just been talking to her the day before for she feared "something unusual" would happen.
"Calm down, sweetie! I´ve never seen you this nervous in ages."
"It´s not just anyone, Ma," said Lis, "I fear I might be losing my best friend."
"He´s always been a troublemaker," said her mother.
"But I love being around him! Anyway, I sure hope it´s nothing serious."
"My prayers go out to that boy. He´s been mislead from the start."
"That´s what you think, not me."
"Did they already tell you what happened?"
Lis´s voice trembled as she clenched her fist, "No, I don´t know much but he was in pain all night and to be honest I didn´t pay much attention of how serious it was. I always give him some privacy. The next thing you know I found him passed out on the floor."
"Oh dear..."
"I feel partially responsible because I know there´s something else. It´s the same story all over again."
"Don´t torture yourself, sweetheart. He´s no longer a cross you have to carry. Take care now, it´s late. Call me when you get home."
It was three in the morning and there was barely a soul in that waiting room. Only the usual reek of disinfectant and the sound of a power plant. A tall middle-aged man was sitting away from her.
His clothes looked aged and hadn´t shaved in weeks.
Lis wasn´t the kind of person to strike a conversation just like that so she kept staring at her smartphone perhaps to compulsively check the weather or update her status. She resisted the need to post she was at the hospital.
"Who the Hell does those things?" she thought to herself. "I swore that I´d never ventilate any of Adrian´s problems just like that."
"35 F and cloudy," it said in an app.
She took a deep breath and went back to watch the old man for a bit. He coughed like a dog and muttered, "Helen, please be alright."
Lis reprised his words, "Adrian, please be alright, please be alright. I need you so much...of course I do, we do."
She suddenly received a text message which startled her a bit. It was Daniel, one of her roomies.
"House is empty, where are you guys?"
She replied as quickly as she could because her fingers were somewhat numb.
"Emergency. I´m at Saint Vincent´s with Adrian. If you want to come please lock up as usual."
"Are u kidding me? It´s waaaay too late. Anyway, good luck."
"Selfish prick," she thought.
She felt the shock wash away slowly and rested her head against the wall.
----
It was about 4:15 AM. The middle-aged man was gone but by then the specialist already arrived."Lisa Summers?"
"That´s my full name, yes," she answered timidly.
"Are you related to Mr. Black?" asked the man in the scrubs. He was a young slender man, probably in his mid twenties with very short hair.
"Actually he´s my boyfriend." Internally she said, "yeah, right. I hope he doesn´t keep asking me any further questions."
"Oh good," he smirked."Listen; he´s gonna be okay. He came down with a high fever which is why he could have collapsed."
"That sounds awful," said Lis in a lower voice.
"Sorry if we took so long to run down some tests but it seems he has developed a condition known as esophagitis. I don´t want to go into much detail but it makes it very painful to swallow due to a tear in the esophagus."
"That sounds even worse."
"Has he been taking any medications?"
"No, not really. He´s always been very healthy, you know."
"There are no signs of any viral infections either. My other theory is that this could be self-induced."
Lis beared a heavy question mark in her head and was heavily concerned.
"You mean he, I´m sorry, did this to himself?"
"It´s just a possibility, Miss. The answer is up to you. He can remain under treatment but he will have to change a few habits, that is if you can provide us more information."
"Sure. Can I see him now?"
"Yes, this way , please."
--------------
Adrian seemed peaceful in bed, as if he hadn´t slept for days. His long ebony hair covered his face subtly and Lis reached down to get a better look. He was unresponsive though and it made her worsen until she broke into tears.
"Why did you do this?" she said as she found a seat. "I don´t know you anymore. It´s like you´ve left me here all on my own and I don´t have a clue how to deal with this. All I can see if that you´re self-destroying and that sucks!"
She breathed heavily, "There, I said it. Doesn´t that make you look completely selfish and all for what, a lousy breakup? Let him go, it´s not worth it."
Then she grasped his left hand, "Please, wake up. There´s so much that we need to talk about. Wake up, wake up."
Adrian answered with a raspy and weary voice. "Lis..."
"Oh my god, yes! It´s me, baby!" Her eyes glowed and she sounded more upbeat.
"Where am I?"
"I assume you don´t remember much," she continued as she played with her raven hair, "We had to bring you here because you´re very sick."
Adrian paused, "Damn. Was it that serious?"
"Yes it was. In fact they said it was self-induced which means you provoked this. Don´t think I don´t know what´s going on. Ever since you broke up with Daniel you´ve been abandoning yourself to the point of starvation."
He sighed deeply.
"I didn´t want to worry anybody; it´s my thing and I´ll deal with it."
"No you can´t! It´s our problem now."
He paused again and sobbed, "Please forgive me."
"Aw, sweetie," said Lis as she ran to hug her deared friend.
"I´m so sorry,kid," he continued, "because I never realized it got out of control."
"It´s a very dangerous thing, Honey," said Lisa drying her eyes with her sleeve. "It´s like walking on thin ice."
"Ha," he said, "it´s funny that you mention that because I just saw that in a dream.
I was running in the middle of a winter day, January perhaps. The place seemed familiar like down the river where my grandpa used to take me when I was five or six."
"The Black River," she said.
"I guess.A small creature appeared across the road like a rabbit. He was black as the back of a crow and had gleaming red eyes. He stood there waiting for me and them I realized I was no longer running away from anything. It was like it found me."
"And then?"
"I followed him and stepped into the frozen river. At the time it seemed interesting. Little did I know the ice was very thin and it easily cracked. So I fell into it and he left me all alone.
Then I heard someone call out to me and I think it was you and then I woke up."
"Is that all true?"
Adrian just nodded.
"Then I think it was a vision of Death. You´re not there yet; you´re only becoming an adult."
------------
A few hours later, around seven in the morning Lis traveled back to the apartment down in Mercer Street on a seven-story building.
A guard probably in his sixties known as Evan stood behind a counter. She always remembered everybody´s names even the passers-by and the one night stands.
"Well, hello, Miss," he said. "You seem tuckered out, did you sleep here last night?"
"No, sir," answered Lis shaking off a little rain water from her coat, "Unfortunately Adrian got sick and he was rushed to the Saint Vincent. He ´s okay now but he just needs to take it easy from now."
"Hmm," said Evan, "But he´s so young! How old is he?"
"Barely in his thrities," sighed Lis.
"That´s the problem with the young ones today; nobody wants to grow old, they devour everything as fast as they can."
"I know but there are few exceptions," winked Lis.
"Oh, not you. You have a motherly attitude; one can see that right away."
"Do you really think so? Bless you. I gotta go."
"Take care," said the man.
---
"Motherly indeed," thought Lis as she stepped into the elevator. "Is that all I am to him and
to everyone else in our home? It makes sense now because I feel like I rescued him back in high school. It´t not a coincidence that "thing" he said about the dream. I pretended I´d never heard about it."
Most of the tenants on that building were artists and what-nots. It was a kind of requisite to have access to these ancient lofts with tall windows and infinite spaces attracted the wildly creative minds.
And among them stood Adrian Black once labeled a great promise and a kind of provocateur comparable to the radiant children like Basquiat, at least that´s what he said. The rest of his roommates were Daniel Hyde, whose main business was male modeling among other things and a little skinny one named Damien.
But Daniel hadn´t been around for days. When Lis found Adrian´s phone by the side of his bed it had tons of messages like there had been a huge rant.
"I guess my bad feelings were right again," sighed Lis.
As soon as she entered the loft Daniel gave her a tight hug, "So how did it go, he´s not dead or anything like that?"
"No, no," said Lis with a trembled voice, "but I´m sorry he had to come to this, this, stupid behavior that makes no sense at all! You know it wouldn´t surprise me if you talked him into this."
"Wait," said Daniel, "you blame me for talking Adrian into becoming "manorexic"? That is so not fair."
"Well I don´t know who else to blame."
"It´s him and you should know better so stop lying to yourself."
"Will you help me, please?" said Lis pressing her hands against his.
"Sure!"
"He´s gonna need all our support because the healing process won´t be that easy. And by the way he´s not "manorexic" , it´s more like bulimic."
"That´s even worse!"
"Yes it is." Lis went back upstairs to her room to find a change of clothes before she headed back to the clinic but she was feeling more tired than ever. Before that she decided to go back into Adrian´s studio and tidy up a little.
he had left a red fake leather sketchbook behind. Lis thought it was out-of-place and decided to put it back however she took it with her.
She also made some calls to make sure she was excused at work.
Lis dressed in a simple manner and threw on a large turquoise blouse under a pair of dark leggings and went downstairs to have a last look in the mirror in the foyer.
"We´re all mad here; you should have known by now," she said.
As she passed down the exquisite and lavish neighborhood in Manhattan in her BMW she could
only think that fame comes with a price. Underneath that glamorous skin of Soho once stood a
paradise for the bohemian and a much darker realm at the beginning of the twentieth century.
It seemed not everything around here has ever been that pretty; there is a dark side to
everything.
Adrian loved the darkness, he felt safe in it. He said it worked best to feed his
imagination. He also hated to be a cultural stereotype but back in Elyria, in the nineties he
was known as a shady, scrawny kid who hung out with the goths outside the parking lot in high
school.
The majority of these kids grew up being told they were going to Hell; some of them already
felt they were in it! They wanted to leave by the age of eighteen.
At least those were Adrian´s plans. It seemed that he had carefully penned them in his
journal.
It was his mystique which attracted Lisa in the first place. She was practically spoon fed
with ideas that was going to be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife and eventually the
perfect mother.
She was an overachiever for the moment thanks to the help of her dad. Somewhere along they
way she forgot all about that because all she really cared about was to be loved.
When she began to harbour feelings for that mysterious boy was when she fell into the deepest
rabbit hole.
After a while she got invited to a party on at the end of October, not exactly Halloween. She
went with some friends and stayed for a couple of hours even though she was not allowed to.
She even wore black lipstick as a kind of gesture.
She waited until she was left alone to pursue Adrian who went quietly with another boy into
the bushes. She could barely see them for they clad in black from head to toe like two big
bears. They held hands and smiled with ease probably because they were too drunk.
Lisa stopped and stood there bathed in the moonlight feeling her hair tickling her skin with
the breeze. Although this was uncomfortable she hardly cared.
Adrian had slammed that short-haired boy with the skin-tight shirt against the tree and began
to make out with him. Progressively he pulled down his pants and devoured every last bit of
that trashy-looking, beer guzzling man. She glanced at the Devil himself.
She was careful enough to vanish the scene and the party at that house as well; hers was only
a few blocks away.
By the time she got there she went into her room around one in the morning. She quickly
removed her Doc Martens and wiped off the dark lipstick.
"Fuck!" she repeated this many times in her head. "You´re so stupid, Lis."
Still not everything was a tragedy for the time to show her true feelings would come along;
precious feelings of empathy.
One morning at school Lisa arrived earlier than usual because her mom had dropped her off.
She had seen Adrian on a bench with his on his knees holding a cigarette in one hand.
She boldly approached him and said softly, "Hey, I´ve seen you in Art class."
"Yes," he answered. "Do I know you?"
"No, you wouldn´t but I was at a party down at Kevin´s last weekend."
"Oh, right."
"Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you have an amazing talent. You could be famous one
day and make it big."
"Thanks but I think I started off on the wrong foot."
"How come?"
He took another puff and continued, "They found out."
"I´m sorry?"
"My parents; somehow they found out I´m gay."
Lisa froze for a while and remained silent, "I am so sorry to hear that but," she stumbled in
her own words, "I think you´re still great. In fact you´re far too special to be stuck in
this town."
"Truth is I´m not sure whether I want to show up in class."
"What if this is just a phase, you know, that you´re being curious?"
"No. I´m fully convinced. There´s no turning back."
Lisa had felt that day that she was talking to the most adult-like person in the planet and
she was ashamed. Her fantasies were being torn apart by wild animals and the only reasonable
thing to do was to make the pain go down. So she held his hand tightly and said, "What if you
come in with me? Hardly anyone pays attention to me."
"Why?"
"We could say that we met at the party and now we´re sort of going out and they won´t
suspect."
"That´s the stupidest idea."
"At least I´ll be by your side. Please let me be your friend; I believe in you."
And so she did for that and other powerful reasons they stuck together and became confidants
throughout high school and decided to move to New York hoping their dreams would come true.
They did but the ride would still be bumpy like now.
You see even though Adrian was surrounded by an incredibly sweet girl there was a shadow that
had been after him for years; a creature he could never fully grasp but it was most of the
time rabbit-like.
"Inle," she thought.
Lisa became her master´s assistant. She was the one who had all the connections to most of
the big galleries in the country, that´s what a smart girl does. This time "they" were after
a Jewish guy known as Fiver which base was in Chelsea; in fact all the hot new artists wanted
to show there. Adrian became obsessed with this fellow because he once claimed to know Mary
Boone and who was a very big name in the nineties.
Friday, January 15, 2016
The pain above my stomach was still there and it broke my concentration so I threw myself on the couch succumbing to exhaustion.
I completely lost track of time but Edith woke me up.
Hi there, sweetie, are you alright?
I couldn't sleep last night.
How come?
I feel so devastated.
Let me see, God, you are burning up. Since when have you been like this?
I don't know...a few weeks ago but now its seems to be getting worse.
Really?
No, I mean, my stomach. It didn't feel so bad.
It's a sign that you need to get help as soon as possible. Where does it hurt?
Well it's not exactly here..." and then I guided her hand, "It's here."
"But that's not the stomach, it has to be something else..."
"Whatever, it burns, I think."
She went downstairs and brought me these big round pink pills.
"Be careful, okay. Take this, we'll see how you do in the morning, if not you will have to see the doctor."
"Edie..."
"Yes?"
"Would it be too much to ask if you stayed here awhile until I fall asleep?"
She paused for a moment or two, "Sure..."
There had been nothing between us. She knew perfectly I was capable of fucking practically anything that came across me but I never laid a hand on her. Just friends, as we agreed when she moved in here, nothing else. Some people thought that because of this I was a full blown queer. Like it mattered to me, it didn't bother me in the least.
It so happened that my last relationship felt more like a freaking rollercoaster on acid.
I enjoyed what we had together
Are you feeling better now?
You...you're supposed to be dead to me
Actually I am very much alive. Your misconduct is a constant reminder of my foul presence, isn't it?
I wouldn't know that, I...I just lost control.
God, why did I ever run into you, you're weak and so am I but then again I expected you to be stronger, much stronger.
Please don't do this
I'll never go away, not like like this
All I remember is that I fell to the ground and was able to see my own blood spreading across the wooden floor.
I didn´t like who I was back there, I ran away.
Why did you do this, Adrian, you didn´t have to...
I swear I heard her voice calling me out, this felt so familiar, like the time when I was eight years old and fell into the icy waters of the Black River and a stranger offered to fish me out.
And they were right, there was no reason for me to do this other than to seek death, I was seduced by self destruction. The Black Rabbit found me, no doubt.
I might have been talking nonsense, I blamed it on the meds.
I might have been talking nonsense, I blamed it on the meds.
---------------
"Hey sunshine, you´ve been out for three whole days, " she said, "how are you feeling?"
"Hey sunshine, you´ve been out for three whole days, " she said, "how are you feeling?"
"Sore, like beaten up inside."
"That´s because you underwent surgery. They didn´t even let me see you until now."
Fine, now I would be scarred for life. Nothing big actually but enough to remind me of my reckless behavior. I didn´t have the heart to tell her the truth.
"They say you have to stay here for a few weeks, it seems that it will be a slow recovery. Fortunately you´re strong, very strong."
"What else did they tell you, did they figure what´s wrong?"
She paused and sighed for a moment, her tone changed dramatically, "It was a long night, I had no idea what they were talking about, however I trust you and assume that you take good care of yourself."
"What if I didn´t? I wasn´t that unconscious because I heard you..."
She turned away, "Why are you saying that?"
"You asked me why would I do this?"
"Do what?"
I tried to get up but I was definitely sore. "That´s alright, just lie down, don´t try to move to much. Look, whatever I said we can talk about it later,okay?"
----
----
I felt a slight pinch in my left side like the sensation of being penetrated by a knife. It was all dark, probably around 3 am or something.
"I can´t sleep..." and tossed and turned.
"Now, now, try not to move, sweetie, you´re still not well."
A nurse approached me.
"Let me adjust the dosage and you'll be out again in no time."
You do know what's wrong with me...
Yes, you had a rather long operation in order to correct something in your stomach
But why did it happen in the first place?
I don't have all the answers! You should know...you are the one who's always throwing up all the time
How...how do you know that?
You said you wanted answers.
Her tone of voice morphed into that of a hissing snake.
The pain felt stronger and noticed the sheets turning red and I yelped.
"Adrian."
Now that was Edie.
"How are you feeling today?"
My eyes were lost and I couldn't focus on any goddamn thing. "I'm still in pain, what did they do to me?"
"Calm down, it's alright. Something was damaged inside you..."
"That's not helping."
"Look, it's way too early to draw conclusions but they did tell me to try to ask you several questions."
"Fuck..."
"Don't get mad, they already ruled out all possibilities and I want you to tell something personal, very personal."
I was already aware of where this conversation was getting to.
"Look, you changed ever since I left. We seldom talk and remain serious and nervous all the time, you hardly eat."
"I am under a lot of pressure, that's all..."
"Yes, and I understand that but sometimes people tend to have strange conducts when they're under a lot of stress."
"And your point is?"
"Adrian, be honest , did you provoke this? Because it has nothing to do with an illness."
"And if I told you would that give you some sort of peace?"
"You're obviously taking this the hard way but the truth will surface sooner or later not "force-fed".
It was a rather gloomy afternoon. A sudden chill made its way into my spine making me try to curl up and sleep.
I closed my eyes again and was walking through a dark room, probably the living room in my loft. As I sat down to rest I threw my hands over my face and sighed. I was all alone.
A woman sat down beside me, she did look like my mother but I could hardly tell, she felt like her indeed. Her touch, the welcoming sound of her voice. She laid my head upon her lap and said, "Afterall, you´re not made of stone."
She unfolded her wrinkled hand and I watched in horror she held something like an organ covered in blood.
"What is that?"
"See what you have done? You have broken the white rabbit´s heart..."
-----------
His name was Daniel
You know how I swore that I would never make a portrait unless that person actually meant something to me or was someone significant?
Yes?
Those were the same words I told him and that pissed him off real bad. That was the main reason why he became obssessed with me. Of course, he always gave me what I was asking for, always knew how to turn me on really good.
Honey, admit it, he used you
Ha, I wish it only were that, he abused my mind besides this body. Anyway, he must have misunderstood he was worthless.
That's definitely not a nice thing to say.
I am perfectly aware of that! I said as my eyes watered. "I mean how was I supposed to know I could hurt someone's feelings like that. I thought he would take it as a joke because most of the time artists gives themselves that sort of permission
Great. So what happened next?
That very same night he challenged me to something I couldn't resist. He said that he would like to be painted nude.
And?
Not a chance, I'm not here to satisfy my fantasies, what a waste. And so the bastard cursed me and left. I guess now it's not trivial anymore it created a sense of guilt.
Okay...
When I came back home a huge emptiness invaded me. Everything around me reminded me of him to my disgrace. I felt sick and disgusted along with a zillion other feelings.
Then I went upstairs into the shower until I was completely soaked.I couldn't let go of his touch, I admit it was incredible so I closed my eyes and slipped my hand down my crotch until I became completely aroused.
After I came the sensation was excactly the same and it faded away.
What feeling?
Pleasure, of course. I couldn't do anything deep down I had to be punished. So I started to deprive myself from anything that brought satisfaction, a lot like when a child is grounded for misbehaving.
It didn't work so I tried something more extreme.
Don't tell me you began to cut yourself...
Why would I do that? Anyway, it happened one night after dinner. I didn't want this, I didn't deserve this at all so I resolved to get rid of it.
And I assume that by getting rid of is...
Yes! And that was it. That made me feel better like being relieved as if all the filth washed away from my body. You thought it was because I was concerned with my image but no, my reasons are powerful than those of a silly little teenage girl.
Adrian, it's not that simple to recover from a breakup. You can't be your own judge. I know that words hurt even more than physical pain but you can't take them back.
It was still my fault.
No, sweetie, of course not. I know you're not perfect but you have to stop doing this, you have to stop hurting yourself.
I...I didn't know what else to do.
Come, I can help you solve this, the only condition I ask of you is for you to trust me, otherwise you'll hardly be able to survive this Hell. You might hate me or stop talking to me but everything I'll do is because of one thing...
Which is...
Because I want you to get better; it just heartbreaking to see like this, you used to inspire me, remember? You never cease to create and that's a wonderful thing. You chose to get involved into a relationship that turned out to be poisonous, it's just that.
Edith, I'm afraid
Afraid of what?
Be honest, this is never gonna go away, is it?
She sighed deeply, "No, yet you can control it."
"What if I can't?"
"You have to find strength, some inner strength
------------
Never had someone made me feel so guilty after that breakup for it seemed that it was an utter failure. I had taught myself to remain strong about the fact that I had different ways of expressing my love and desire but somehow I wasn't ready to maintain a relationship quite like that one. He was something I could taste anytime I wanted but could never eat on a daily basis.
When all the doors shut on me I turned to my painting. I found nighttime the best moment to release my inner demons so the next day I would feel better. It seemed like a fair practice and it went well, it brought some attention and a chance to achieve some fame.
This time however somehowDaniel managed to suck off of me more than I could ever imagine, like a kind of erotic vampire
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