I don´t like the person you´re becoming. You´re consumed by fear, you´re a little mouse stuck in the corner.

Maybe this is the person I was along. Don´t cry if you´re getting to know the real me.

Oh, I see. You want us to think that we don´t understand your troubled childhood, huh?

It was my adolescence.

But lots of people felt the same way; what makes you so special?

I don´t feel special; I just want to survive this shit and be happy like everyone else.

But if you were like everyone else you wouldn´t even be here. You secretly wanted this and I think you have no idea why but I´ll tell you; you have a tremendously beautiful soul.

If it´s so beautiful then why is it destroying me?

Hey, it´s not gonna kill you. When you look at the mirror and I mean like a full body mirror you notice that there´s something you´re not happy with. It´s an opportunity to improve yourself and it does involve destroying something but only what´s holding you back spiritually.

I like my body; it´s not perfect but it´s attractive to some people.

Okay.

That´s not I´m worried about though. I´m heavily concerned with slowing down and not being able to keep up with young guys like Daniel. If I can´t satisfy him he´ll leave me and I don´t wanna be alone. I feel I´m my own worst enemy.


How is that?


It´s like a demon inside me. If I don´t keep him happy he´ll give a hard time.


And how exactly do you manage to do that?


By achieving perfection.


You know that´s not possible.


But it gives me a sense of control, like everything being in its right place.


------------------------------

Wait a minute! I got it. The 11:11.


What about it? said Daniel


It seems like a riddle but if you look at it closer you´ll see that all the numbers are the same. It´s balance, harmony. That makes him feel good

-------------------


What really drives me wild is why didn´t you tell me you had this problem before.

I had no need to make your life miserable with my past. Besides you´d think it´s because I´m obsessed with my body.

Are you?

No! crossing his arms.

It´s not that uncommon; actually I had one or two friends like that.

What happened to them?

Well, one died and the other went to rehab.

You see? I´m not a fucking statistic; I´m a real person and had my reasons to do it.

Tell me, I won´t get mad.

He kept sobbing for it seemed the wound was still fresh, "My own father hated me when he found out I´m a fag. Mother only rubbed salt in the wound pushing me all the goddamn time to go out with girls to keep my dad calm. They didn´t understand me but deep down they loved me.

I felt I needed to be punished because I failed them so the only escape was through purging. After that I felt different; a part of me was relieved. Everytime I did something that would offend my parents so deeply I would repeat this behavior.

But how can being gay be a crime? These are not the Dark Ages, Adrian.

It was for them and it worked. It was a discipline.

That´s like totally denying who you are.

Oh, yeah, try being yourself in an ultraconservative household and getting away with it!

I know it ain´t easy but you don´t have to feel guilty forever.

Whatever, it´s in the past. It´s an ancient fear that shouldn´t be there anymore. It´s like still being afraid of the dark.

Come here, Sweetie. Don´t shut me out, okay? I promise to make our relationship better than it is today so you don´t feel pressured.













hollow i felt hollow inside and i wanted to get away from it all its a feeling that´s hard to describe but it can be easily handled with comfort such as drinking and then purging. No one seemed to notice at the beginning but look at the signs. A lie is a lie.

The feeling of impotence ravaged Lis that night. It was almost three in the morning and she was in hospital for she found Adrian passed out on the living room. His black nail polished hands and his mouth were stained with blood. This made her think of the worst.

She was still in her pajamas and had thrown on a large burgundy flannel coat, her hair was a mess and her only contact with the outside world was her smartphone. Lis received a handful of text messages including one from her roomie, Daniel and felt the need to call back.

"Hi, what´s up?" said Lis with a rather harsh voice.

"Where are you guys?" he said in a heavier tone, "The place is fucking empty."

"Um, there´s been an emergency. I´m at the Saint Vincent Hospital down 12th Street. Adrian wasn´t feeling well."

"Oh great; what´s he done this time?"

"I have no idea. I´ve only been here for a half an hour and it looks as if it´s going to take longer than expected."

"Fine, can I come?"

"It´s best if you stay but I´ll keep you posted, alright?"

"Sure; I hope he survives the night, bye."


Lis deleted the previous text message from Adrian which said,

"Help me, I´m in Hell."

It made her feel very uncomfortable as she had been in the scene of a crime. She looked at the current weather in app,

36 degrees and cloudy

"At least it´s not raining," she said to herself. Finally she sat down and noticed the hall was almost empty except for a few nurses. There was a middle-aged man in the corner sounding like he was praying. He said , "Please be alright, Helen, please be alright."

Lis remembered the last decent conversation she had with Adrian. It was a Thursday around eight in the afternoon. They walked across the High Line a giant man-made garden that sprung from an old railroad track.
They decided to sort out a few things after working hard for the last six months on a new series of paintings. Adrian was this twenty-something skinny boy with long raven hair down to his shoulders, peachy skin and hazel green eyes.

Lisa, Lis for short was slightly younger than him, had long dark brown hair, was somewhat short and this sort of raspy voice. Actually she was the quiet type but whenever she was around someone she really trusted she went off like a firecracker.

She had been noticing that Adrian was becoming distant and fatigued.

"It was sure a nice idea to come here," he said. "I really needed to unplug."

"Yeah, well I figured this one out by myself," said Lis, "is this the first time you´ve been up here?"

"No, actually I have a friend who´s a kind of grafitti artist who lives a few blocks away."

"That´s great. You do I know why I really brought you, right? Besides getting out of your comfort zone."

"What´s wrong with the neighborhood? It´s so full of history and I appreciate that very much."

"I know but it´s just that you feel so wrapped up in this that you´ve forgotten about the simplest things. You hardly sleep or eat and I think that Daniel thinks the same way as I do."

"Oh I´m sorry, am I in trouble officer?" said Adrian sounding upset.

"No, I´m just saying that you shouldn´t go to extremes, that´s all."

"It´s a price I have to pay."

"Why?"

"Because this work is far more intimate than what I´ve done before. You know what it was like growing up in Elyria, right?"

"I remember it dearly, yes."

"Those are the kind of experiences that have a strong effect on you and you can leave them out. Art never lies and pain is sincere."

"Yes, you´ve told me that numerous times. I just want you know that we truly care about you so much that it would be disastrous to lose you just like that."

"Don´t worry about it, Lis! I´m not going anywhere." He sighed, "why do you think I´m always in trouble?"

She felt truly nervous and unconsciously clinged to his arm, "You would be mad if I told you."

"I´m already mad so I don´t see how this can get worse."

"I thought it through and I think it has to do something with my grandfather´s death. It was so sudden and he meant everything to me."

"That´s because he was nicer than your own father."

"I know, right? It happens and I don´t wanna feel like an exception but you seem like you´re always walking on thin ice."

"I´m chaotic. For me there are no schedules, probably deadlines but that´s just about it."

"But you´re not made of steel. There´s bound to be one time when you'll fall and crash."

Adrian stopped for a few seconds and looked away. "I´m sorry to put you through this. I promise it won´t happen again."

"Really?"

"Yeah but there´s a chance I´ll break my promise."

"Oh, come on! Be serious for a moment."

"You´re the serious one, Lis. Smile; it will make your life easier."


And so it became true; he literally hit the ground. "Why are you taking away from me the people I love the most?" Lis thought to herself. "Is it because I love them too much, am I suffocating them? Tell me."

The man in the corner reached out to her, "Is everything alright, Miss?"

"Yes it´s just that I hate the waiting; it makes me grow very anxious."

"Do you mind if I sit next to you?"

"Go ahead."

He was a simple guy; he dressed in a beige corduroy suit, was almost bald and had a sort of large face. "The name´s Mark."

"Lisa but my friends call me Lis."

"My wife Helen´s in there fighting for her life. She was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago and was going through chemo."

"I´m sorry to hear about that, Sir."

"She was doing well but she had a relapse. She´s a tough fighter though. Who are you waiting on?"

"My best friend Adrian; we live together, actually there´s three of us. It´s weird."

"And what seems to be the problem?"

"You what? I have no idea but he´s been driving himself to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose to piss me off."

"Then I guess your friend shouldn´t be here; it sounds more like getting therapy."

"You´re so right but he responds with these long speeches he´s too cool for something like that."

"He´s sick with pride. Tell him that."

"Thank you."

"No problem. I have to go; I think I see the doctor coming. You have a lovely day, young lady."

Lis comforted herself updating her status trying not to include something compromising or dramatic. When that happens people start to grow more and more curious until they get the truth out of you. So she decided to put a quote from one of Adrian´s favorite books,

"My friend has stopped running today." Watership Down.

That way it would be something a few would truly understand but not speculate.

She rummaged in the pockets of her coat and noticed something an unfamiliar object. She took it out and it was a tiny wood carved red rabbit with the infinity symbol on its forehead. Adrian gave it to her when they were in high school.

"I´m not the religious type but I need to believe in something," he said once, "It worked for me so it should work for you."

Lis finally broke up in tears and squeezed the wooden rabbit. "Please be alright, Adrian, please be alright."


But the hole into which he had fallen was about to get deeper. A few hours later a small, Indian-looking doctor appeared amidst the poorly illuminated hallway and approached her.

"Are you with Adrian Black?" he asked.

"Yes, I´m his girlfriend," she said nervously.

"I apologise it took so long but we had to run a few tests to make sure what we´re dealing with. Apparently there´s a sign of damage in the esophagus."

"What exactly does that mean?"

"It means that he has difficulty swallowing which could also explain why he´s underweight and dehydrated."

"But why was there blood on his mouth, can you explain that?"

"Yes, it was from the effort of vomiting."

"That sounds awful."

"He´s stable now but he will have to remain here for some days for observation."

"Can I go see him now?"

"Sure, right this way. I´ll also need for you to sign some papers."


Lis went into a dimly lit room and found Adrian very calm.

"Look at you," she said out loud, "I asked you to rest but not like this." Then she pulled up a chair and stared at him, "How could I be so blind? I guess you´re an expert at concealing too." She took his hand and caressed it. "Help me out here because I don´t know what to say."

"Lis?" he moaned. "Is that you?"

"Yes, of course!" she cried. "Sweetie, why didn´t you tell me you were feeling this bad?"

He spoked with difficulty, "I told you I didn´t want to upset you anymore. While you were out this Friday I felt this stabbing pain in my stomach. I never felt something like that before so I lied down for a while."

"Damn."

"But the pain didn´t go away, it burned. The next thing I knew I was throwing up several times until I started to bleed and that´s when I called you. After that I don´t remember anything."

"You passed out on the living room," she said, "You can image how I felt."

"I´m sorry, I failed you."

"Don´t worry; you´ll have plenty of time to rest."

"What about the exhibition?"

"It´s almost done. It´s all downhill from here."

"Man, I´m so sore I feel like I was run over."

"Try not to move so much."

"They didn´t open me up, did they?"

"No; are you afraid you´ll get a scar on that lovely skin of yours?"

He smiled maliciously.

"Daniel asked about you. Why wasn´t he with you when I was out?"

"He had something to attend and I was busy in my studio."

"Because normally he would have lured you into going clubbing."

"Well it looks as if that´s not gonna happen for a long time."

"The doctor will be here soon to explain to you about your illness. He asked you to be completely honest, you think you can handle that?"

"I´ll try."

"Listen, I need to head back to the loft and tidy up a bit. I´ll be back soon. I love you."

Then she kissed him on the forehead.




Lisa Summers was nothing but a mere assistant to Adrian but working for a life long friend was very rewarding. In fact he approached to come and work for him not so long ago. They so happened to be in the same city. They lived in a less glitzy, quiet part of Soho down Mercer Street in the last floor of the building. She took a cab thinking of getting a real cup of coffee and not from a worn out vending machine.

Around six the next Saturday morning Lis arrived visibly restless and greeted the guard on duty named Leo.

"Morning, Miss Summers, up so early?" he said.

"Yeah, I went jogging," she said sarcastically, "no, seriously I just came from the hospital."

"Oh, I see. That explains the ambulance at roughly three in the morning. Is everything alright?"

"It´s Adrian. Apparently he wanted he wanted to be all alone when he had little accident which could be mistaken for a suicide attempt. Then again it wasn´t; he´s just very sick."

"I´m very sorry to hear that."

"He´s human afterall."

"He´s what they call the eccentric type."

"Yeah, I have a knack for hanging around mad people."


After reaching the sixth floor she still felt a huge weight on her shoulders for this experience felt like an extended night and it wasn´t morning for her at least until eight o´clock.

The apartment consisted of two levels and on the main one there was a small foyer and living room, the kitchen and Adrian´s studio on the side and on the second one there were three bedrooms and one large bathroom.

Lis found Daniel sleeping on the leather couch with his phone by the table. He was younger than Adrian and from the looks it was almost like his boy toy. He was a model with a slight tan, brown eyes and a small mohawk. Unlike Adrian he was more ripped and had the libido of a fifteen year old.

"Hey gorgeous," said Lis. "And how was your night?"

"Everything was swell until you hit me with the bad news," he said. "How is he?"

Lis sighed as she plummeted into the couch, "The only thing I can say is that he has been spending some quality time practicing the art of self-destruction."

"Oh God, he didn´t slit his wrists or take pills?"

"No."

"Did he OD´d?"

"I wish it was that simple. You didn´t notice anything strange before you left him? Did he look sick to you?"

"Perhaps. He just said he was very tired because he didn´t sleep for days so I guess it makes sense. He kind of avoided me anyway."

"He was avoiding you? Oh my God, that is serious."

Daniel rolled his eyes, "Though..."

"What?"

"It may sound funny but he kept rubbing his stomach."

"That´s the same story he told me! I knew he couldn´t hide stuff like that so easily."

"So what´s next?"

"He´ll be alright but he´ll be on medication for about two months so he´s not gonna like that. We´ll have to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn´t do any stupid things."

"Believe me I tried!" cried Daniel.

"Maybe you could talk some sense into him. Go visit him as soon as you can. I just came to take care of a few things."

"Lis, I could go today, right?"

"That´s the spirit."


And after having had some real coffee, dark roast to be exact Lis quickly showered and slipped into her usual weekend attire which consisted of a large grey blouse, black leggings and large furry boots. It was still cold but so much to stay indoors. Lis loved this kind of weather because it put her in a better mood.

Before they left the apartment she decided to go towards the studio. She fetched Adrian´s phone which was a bit stained with blood. As she cleaned it accidentally unlocked.

"That´s funny," she thought, "he usually sets up passwords." He was to update his status with a phrase that never went through. It said,

"I´m a rabbit in your headlight, scared of the spotlight, you don´t come to visit, I´m stuck in this bed."
She knew what that meant because he explained that to her a while back. "Was he planning to post before he fainted? I better ask him." Lis also grabbed a red sketchbook that he used frequently for studies of his paintings and thought it could be useful.



“I hardly remember why I put this but it´s quite harmless,” said Adrian, so he posted it anyway.

He was in a much better mood and smiling. The sun was already up and it was almost ten AM.

“It´s part of a song; it doesn´t mean anything in particular. I just like the way it sounds; imaginative and mind-blowing. What do you think it means?”

Lis sighed, "You explained to me that it meant what happens when you feel abandoned. In dreams you become sick, you look jaded and you cry for help."

"I hope you didn´t find this misleading let alone take it literally. I was actually describing something else."

"Like what?" she said upset.

"Perhaps all the things that needed attention and were pretty much unresolved. Things about my past, like demons." Adrian paused to gather some strength, "They explained to me why I possibly became sick and it brought back some painful memories."

"About what?"

"I was sent to therapy once when I was in high school and they determined I had an eating disorder."

"You never told me that."

"Why would I?" he sobbed, "I had enough problems already but I felt it was too much to handle. So that was the only way to cope with the pain."

"This is getting weirder."

"Try to understand me! I´ve been battling this for so long I thought it was supposed to be buried. But then the doctor said that it was something that would follow me forever. I just can´t explain why it came back; I was doing so well!"

"Hey, it´s okay," said Lis as she approached the bed, "no one´s making you feel bad. It can be something hard to explain sometimes. The point is that you realized that you don´t to harm yourself anymore."

"It´s not that, it´s just..."

"Nothing. You will get better but the healing process also involves healing the soul."

"I´m really glad I decided to bring you back into my life. You may not be my girlfriend but you know me better than one."

"Nah, I´m just curious and discover lots things on my own like this one." She pulled out the sketchbook from her bag and handed it to Adrian. "I thought we could pick up where we left off."

"Twenty-two," he said in a lower voice.

"Excuse me?"

"The number is marked here to remind myself how many pieces I agreed to deliver," he said as he kept browsing. "There´s an additional one marked twenty-three."

"Do you want to do another one?"

"No, it wouldn´t make any sense. Twenty-two is fine. Maybe I could use this one later. It just seemed out of place."

"Out of place?"

"Yeah. I wasn´t working on anything new yesterday, I was just recording samples but I haven´t finished yet."

"I could help you out with that! If you trust me that much."

"Yes, I do. Of course I´ll have to make some annotations for what I want to send

s6
a5

You care for something so vacuous like fashion but I taught you those words you´re spitting out right now. I expect nothing but greatness from you
So do I. There´s a point where your thing and my thing meet and don´t ever wanna let it go.
Is that all you think about?
No, it only happens when I´m around you
Then turn around because you´re about to feel my thing

The feeling of impotence ravaged Lis that night. It was almost three in the morning and she was in hospital for she found Adrian passed out on the living room. His black nail polished hands and his mouth were stained with blood. This made her think of the worst.

She was still in her pajamas and had thrown on a large burgundy flannel coat, her hair was a mess and her only contact with the outside world was her smartphone. Lis received a handful of text messages including one from her roomie, Daniel and felt the need to call back.

"Hi, what´s up?" said Lis with a rather harsh voice.

"Where are you guys?" he said in a heavier tone, "The place is fucking empty."

"Um, there´s been an emergency. I´m at the Saint Vincent Hospital down 12th Street. Adrian wasn´t feeling well."

"Oh great; what´s he done this time?"

"I have no idea. I´ve only been here for a half an hour and it looks as if it´s going to take longer than expected."

"Fine, can I come?"

"It´s best if you stay but I´ll keep you posted, alright?"

"Sure; I hope he survives the night, bye."



Lis deleted the previous text message from Adrian which said,

"Help me, I´m in Hell."

It made her feel very uncomfortable as she had been in the scene of a crime. She looked at the current weather in app,

36 degrees and cloudy

"At least it´s not raining," she said to herself. Finally she sat down and noticed the hall was almost empty except for a few nurses. There was a middle-aged man in the corner sounding like he was praying. He said , "Please be alright, Helen, please be alright."

Lis remembered the last decent conversation she had with Adrian. It was a Thursday around eight in the afternoon. They walked across the High Line a giant man-made garden that sprung from an old railroad track.
They decided to sort out a few things after working hard for the last six months on a new series of paintings. Adrian was this twenty-something skinny boy with long raven hair down to his shoulders, peachy skin and hazel green eyes.

Lisa, Lis for short was slightly younger than him, had long dark brown hair, was somewhat short and this sort of raspy voice. Actually she was the quiet type but whenever she was around someone she really trusted she went off like a firecracker.

She had been noticing that Adrian was becoming distant and fatigued.

"It was sure a nice idea to come here," he said. "I really needed to unplug."

"Yeah, well I figured this one out by myself," said Lis, "is this the first time you´ve been up here?"

"No, actually I have a friend who´s a kind of grafitti artist who lives a few blocks away."

"That´s great. You do I know why I really brought you, right? Besides getting out of your comfort zone."

"What´s wrong with the neighborhood? It´s so full of history and I appreciate that very much."

"I know but it´s just that you feel so wrapped up in this that you´ve forgotten about the simplest things. You hardly sleep or eat and I think that Daniel thinks the same way as I do."

"Oh I´m sorry, am I in trouble officer?" said Adrian sounding upset.

"No, I´m just saying that you shouldn´t go to extremes, that´s all."

"It´s a price I have to pay."

"Why?"

"Because this work is far more intimate than what I´ve done before. You know what it was like growing up in Elyria, right?"

"I remember it dearly, yes."

"Those are the kind of experiences that have a strong effect on you and you can leave them out. Art never lies and pain is sincere."

"Yes, you´ve told me that numerous times. I just want you know that we truly care about you so much that it would be disastrous to lose you just like that."

"Don´t worry about it, Lis! I´m not going anywhere." He sighed, "why do you think I´m always in trouble?"

She felt truly nervous and unconsciously clinged to his arm, "You would be mad if I told you."

"I´m already mad so I don´t see how this can get worse."

"I thought it through and I think it has to do something with my grandfather´s death. It was so sudden and he meant everything to me."

"That´s because he was nicer than your own father."

"I know, right? It happens and I don´t wanna feel like an exception but you seem like you´re always walking on thin ice."

"I´m chaotic. For me there are no schedules, probably deadlines but that´s just about it."

"But you´re not made of steel. There´s bound to be one time when you'll fall and crash."

Adrian stopped for a few seconds and looked away. "I´m sorry to put you through this. I promise it won´t happen again."

"Really?"

"Yeah but there´s a chance I´ll break my promise."

"Oh, come on! Be serious for a moment."

"You´re the serious one, Lis. Smile; it will make your life easier."




And so it became true; he literally hit the ground. "Why are you taking away from me the people I love the most?" Lis thought to herself. "Is it because I love them too much, am I suffocating them? Tell me."

The man in the corner reached out to her, "Is everything alright, Miss?"

"Yes it´s just that I hate the waiting; it makes me grow very anxious."

"Do you mind if I sit next to you?"

"Go ahead."

He was a simple guy; he dressed in a beige corduroy suit, was almost bald and had a sort of large face. "The name´s Mark."

"Lisa but my friends call me Lis."

"My wife Helen´s in there fighting for her life. She was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago and was going through chemo."

"I´m sorry to hear about that, Sir."

"She was doing well but she had a relapse. She´s a tough fighter though. Who are you waiting on?"

"My best friend Adrian; we live together, actually there´s three of us. It´s weird."

"And what seems to be the problem?"

"You what? I have no idea but he´s been driving himself to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose to piss me off."

"Then I guess your friend shouldn´t be here; it sounds more like getting therapy."

"You´re so right but he responds with these long speeches he´s too cool for something like that."

"He´s sick with pride. Tell him that."

"Thank you."

"No problem. I have to go; I think I see the doctor coming. You have a lovely day, young lady."


Lis comforted herself updating her status trying not to include something compromising or dramatic. When that happens people start to grow more and more curious until they get the truth out of you. So she decided to put a quote from one of Adrian´s favorite books,

"My friend has stopped running today." Watership Down.

That way it would be something a few would truly understand but not speculate.

She rummaged in the pockets of her coat and noticed something an unfamiliar object. She took it out and it was a tiny wood carved red rabbit with the infinity symbol on its forehead. Adrian gave it to her when they were in high school.

"I´m not the religious type but I need to believe in something," he said once, "It worked for me so it should work for you."

Lis finally broke up in tears and squeezed the wooden rabbit. "Please be alright, Adrian, please be alright."



But the hole into which he had fallen was about to get deeper. A few hours later a small, Indian-looking doctor appeared amidst the poorly illuminated hallway and approached her.

"Are you with Adrian Black?" he asked.

"Yes, I´m his girlfriend," she said nervously.

"I apologise it took so long but we had to run a few tests to make sure what we´re dealing with. Apparently there´s a sign of damage in the esophagus."

"What exactly does that mean?"

"It means that he has difficulty swallowing which could also explain why he´s underweight and dehydrated."

"But why was there blood on his mouth, can you explain that?"

"Yes, it was from the effort of vomiting."

"That sounds awful."

"He´s stable now but he will have to remain here for some days for observation."

"Can I go see him now?"

"Sure, right this way. I´ll also need for you to sign some papers."




Lis went into a dimly lit room and found Adrian very calm.

"Look at you," she said out loud, "I asked you to rest but not like this." Then she pulled up a chair and stared at him, "How could I be so blind? I guess you´re an expert at concealing too." She took his hand and caressed it. "Help me out here because I don´t know what to say."

"Lis?" he moaned. "Is that you?"

"Yes, of course!" she cried. "Sweetie, why didn´t you tell me you were feeling this bad?"

He spoked with difficulty, "I told you I didn´t want to upset you anymore. While you were out this Friday I felt this stabbing pain in my stomach. I never felt something like that before so I lied down for a while."

"Damn."

"But the pain didn´t go away, it burned. The next thing I knew I was throwing up several times until I started to bleed and that´s when I called you. After that I don´t remember anything."

"You passed out on the living room," she said, "You can image how I felt."

"I´m sorry, I failed you."

"Don´t worry; you´ll have plenty of time to rest."

"What about the exhibition?"

"It´s almost done. It´s all downhill from here."

"Man, I´m so sore I feel like I was run over."

"Try not to move so much."

"They didn´t open me up, did they?"

"No; are you afraid you´ll get a scar on that lovely skin of yours?"

He smiled maliciously.

"Daniel asked about you. Why wasn´t he with you when I was out?"

"He had something to attend and I was busy in my studio."

"Because normally he would have lured you into going clubbing."

"Well it looks as if that´s not gonna happen for a long time."

"The doctor will be here soon to explain to you about your illness. He asked you to be completely honest, you think you can handle that?"

"I´ll try."

"Listen, I need to head back to the loft and tidy up a bit. I´ll be back soon. I love you."

Then she kissed him on the forehead.







Lisa Summers was nothing but a mere assistant to Adrian but working for a life long friend was very rewarding. In fact he approached to come and work for him not so long ago. They so happened to be in the same city. They lived in a less glitzy, quiet part of Soho down Mercer Street in the last floor of the building. She took a quick cab thinking of getting a real cup of coffee and not from a worn out vending machine.

Around six the next Saturday morning Lis arrived visibly restless and greeted the guard on duty named Leo.

"Morning, Miss Summers, up so early?" he said.

"Yeah, I went jogging," she said sarcastically, "no, seriously I just came from the hospital."

"Oh, I see. That explains the ambulance at roughly three in the morning. Is everything alright?"

"It´s Adrian. Apparently he wanted he wanted to be all alone when he had little accident which could be mistaken for a suicide attempt. Then again it wasn´t; he´s just very sick."

"I´m very sorry to hear that."

"He´s human afterall."

"He´s what they call the eccentric type."

"Yeah, I have a knack for hanging around mad people."



After reaching the sixth floor she still felt a huge weight on her shoulders for this experience felt like an extended night and it wasn´t morning for her at least until eight o´clock.

The apartment consisted of two levels and on the main one there was a small foyer and living room, the kitchen and Adrian´s studio on the side and on the second one there were three bedrooms and one large bathroom.

Lis found Daniel sleeping on the leather couch with his phone by the table. He was younger than Adrian and from the looks it was almost like his boy toy. He was a model with a slight tan, brown eyes and a small mohawk. Unlike Adrian he was more ripped and had the libido of a fifteen year old.

"Hey gorgeous," said Lis. "And how was your night?"

"Everything was swell until you hit me with the bad news," he said. "How is he?"

Lis sighed as she plummeted into the couch, "The only thing I can say is that he has been spending some major time with the art of self-destruction."

"Oh God, he didn´t slit his wrists or take pills?"

"No."

"Did he OD?"

For a handful of seconds Lis found Adrian bodspread across the couch strangely inviting. It even made her forget about that silly discussion they had the night before.


Lis found Adrian spread across the couch strangely inviting. He laid on his side while his black nail polished hands framed his slender body perfectly. She forgot for a while that they fought the night before; a silly little thing. He rarely slept in his own room and worked until he was completely exhausted.

"I´m sorry, Lis; I let you down. I can´t be perfect."


Lis couldn´t help thinking about that very exact moment when she discovered Adrian lying on the ground. There were traces of blood on his mouth and hands but he wasn´t wounded. She suspected what he had done and the idea of it was devastating.
She checked the weather through an app on her smartphone.
"36 degrees and cloudy," she said, "at least it´s not raining like the previous days."
It was almost 3 AM, a very unlikely hour to be at the hospital. They had been alone that Friday and Daniel, another roommate was away on a party. It was up to Lis to do the best she could to fix this mess.
But it wouldn´t take long for Daniel to call Lis.
"The house is empty, where are you? Is Adrian with you?" said Daniel in a rather heavy voice.
She was still shocked and stumbled upon her words, "Um, yeah. Listen, there´s been an emergency and I had to bring him. I´m at the Saint Vincent hospital over on 12 Street. Don´t come just yet; I´ll come back in a few hours."
"What the Hell happened to him?" he said desperately.
"He passed out on the living room. He´s been under so much stress lately I think he´s probably exhausted. It´s gonna take a while to get some decent results."
"I sure hope it´s not something more serious."
"Why would you think that?"
"What if he´s hiding something from us?"
"Of course not! Let´s not jump to conclusions. I´ll see you later."
She hung up abruptly and groaned. Because she had left the apartment in a hurry she only threw her large, flannel burgundy coat over her pajamas and a t-shirt with the image of The Sisters of Mercy.
She walked across the erie halls to clear her mind but it didn´t help much. Lis didn´t like being cooped up in a place where eventually somebody could die. The usual reek of disinfectant and the creaky sound of the ventilation system were making her uneasy.
There were only a handful of interns and nurses around and a man probably in his sixties who wore a beige corduroy suit and held a rosary between his shabby fingers. He kept saying, "Helen, please be alright."
The raven haired girl finally decided to crash in a chair and called her mom who was back in Elyria. Although it was ridiculously late she was always there to listen.
"It sounds like you´re in a tight situation, sweetie," said Mom.
"I just can´t bear watching destroy himself everyday. I´m losing him."
"If that´s the case then he needs professional help. That boy has always been extra special but he´s a human being just like the rest of us."
"Do me a favor and don´t tell his parents or anyone else."
"But what if things get more complicated? You can´t carry that cross alone, baby."
"Give me some time and I´ll figure something out, ok?"
"Alright, is there anything else I can help with?"
Lis sobbed, "I guess the only thing left to do is pray."
"You do that. I did the same thing for him for years. Bye now."
While rummaging through the pockets of her coat.

 tall windows
high ceilings
great lighting

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2010/01/your-pal-john-k.html

My name is Adrian Black, only son of Mary and Adam Black and was born on the city of Elyria, Ohio; a town that had seen better days. A place where many grew up on but probably will never go back to.
Like me.
Because I was an exceptional child blessed with beauty, a voracious creativity and the infused fear of death.
This last one might have occurred because I lost my grandpa when I was about six or seven years old. We were very close and used to take me for long walks in Cascade Park.
Since then I secluded myself at home tormented by the thought of something wicked out there waiting to come and get me. Then in a dream it took the shape of the Black Rabbit; the infamous servant of the underworld from Watership Down.
My last name is my fate. Black is not a color: it´s the sum of all the colors and the abscence of all at the same time. I am nothing and everything at all.
I was everything I always wanted to be; a successful young painter based in New York with a big studio in the heart of Soho and about to present my greatest achievement in my career.
To quote Mattise, one my biggest inspirations, “An artist should never be a prisoner of himself, a prisoner of style, a prisoner of a reputation, a prisoner of success.”
I always thought I would live up to these expectations; to feel like I was in control yet such a thing needed to be won.
Fot the first time I felt wanted and was worshipped by many but on that particular September night at home I was
CONSUMED.
Daniel Hyde, a former assistant of mine commited the crime of falling in love with me. He was also very sure to have possessed me to the point of reaching creative control.
Until I beheaded him, metaphorically speaking, just fired.
The feeling of love has a friend that shows up every now and then called tragedy. And since tragedy is close to the concept of Death it´s pointless to me and it slows me down.
Discipline

It didn´t mean that I was a cold-hearted monster; I was just very disciplined. And it was here, in this decadent city that I would find the meaning of life. It wouldn´t be hidden in the depths of the crowded subways or in the words of some über experimented film critic; it was down a rabbit hole.

Daniel was about five years younger than I was and I fished him out of bunch of attention whores especially from NYU where I came from. Sometimes it was a steady, live in job, at others times per project.
I couldn´t deny he had the hots for me since day one  He was five foot ten, kind of scrawny, hazel brown eyes, dark toussled hair and a sweet ass.
At first he was very diligent and punctual trying to impress me and earn my respect. It was a damn good privilege already to live under such and expensive and constrained neighborhood. In the old days it was an artist´s haven and everyone was allowed to crash and pitch in every once in a while.
What he lacked in age he made up for in debauchery; he was my Mad Hatter and with him I attended one tea party after another. No harm done until then; I had a reputation to sustain and it continues to be flawless.
I was working hard on a new collection of acrylics that would be shown in a new gallery in Chelsea. Being left alone used to be some kind of comfort but at that moment it felt like pulling the plug after a coma.
I needed to clear my mind and focus on finding a replacement for little dweeb; someone who wouldn´t prey on me and knew little about me.
So I took my chances and decided to post it on the social networks and see what I was able to catch. This time it happened to be a girl and it was perfect because I had no interest in them.
The post said
Assistant wanted, room and borad; willing to work per project.


INTO THE HOLE.

It was Wednesday and it had been drizzling. I headed down to the corner of Prince and Mercer Street around five in the afternoon  She was standing there with her arms thrown on her back with a very optimistic look.
Edith was like the storybook Alice; she was raven-haired with bangs, milky white skin, blue eyes, underdeveloped.
I lived above one of those psychic shops which was owned by some lady named Ava who was very solicited.
We continued to make small talk in the elevator; I could noticed she was frittering and somewhat avoiding me.
"The name´s Adrian Black by the way; sorry if I keep going online by odd usernames. What should I call you?"
"Oh, Edie is fine."
"Strange; like Edie Sedgwick."
"Yeah except I´m not that beautiful and rich like he was."
"I suppose you´re not a junkie either, sorry!"
She laughed, "No!"
"Oh, don´t be that disencouraged; everyone here looks like a rockstar. I´m simply white trash from Ohio who got lucky."
"Ok, now my turn! Why Adrian?"
"I don´t know. I think my mother got so hooked on "Rosemary´s Baby". Like I´m the Antichrist."
"Is that a true story?"
"No but I scared you, didn´t I?"
"Not one bit."
"Why this place is just around the corner for you, isn´t it?" I said.
"Oh, absolutely! But how did you manage to snatch this loft just like this?"
"It was no walk in the park, I´ll tell you that. You have to be some kind of artist. The former owner was Edward King. There was an urban legend that he used to lurk the campus at 3 AM because he went sleepless ."
"Well, that´s intriguing!" she cried. "I haven´t heard of that story."
"I wanted to be here so badly because I prefer to have a piece of history around me instead of something brand new. And because I´m a sucker for nostalgia."
"How come?"
"Because all people live or dead leave an invisible trace behind. Say like burned toast."
"Now you´re quoting Mr. Hallorann in "The Shining"! she cried.
"Are you some kind of film geek?"
"No but I have a very keen memory."
"And I'm an artist, it's not that unusual to have some scars in my life to inspire me. Actually I wondered if that was my fate; to have a tormented existence watching everyone around me being hurt or let me hurt them back.”
“God no,” she said swinging her hand in mid air, “you’re too young to be carrying too much grief, what are you, twenty something...”
“I’ll be thirty next january.”
“Oh, that’s bad, that’s way too bad,” she said cynically. “In a number of societies and subcultures being over twenty means that you’re practically washed up.”
“I’m not old!” I replied, “I’m just experienced. How about you?"
"Was that a trick question?" she snapped. "Well I´m twenty two. I came all the way down from Michigan to study psychology and currently I´m working on a thesis which describes using art as therapy; you know, to help people recover from trauma."
"You could never finish your work in a city like this! We´re all mad here. I´m mad, you´re mad."
"How can I be mad?" she asked.
"You must be; otherwise you shouldn´t have come here."
"Wait that sounds familiar; Alice In Wonderland, right?"
"Yeah, you got me. As a kid I used to quote it all the time; it applies to a lot of things in this crazy world."
"What other things?"
"Success in life. It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that! I´m always ahead of my competitors."
"You have competitors?"
"All artists are like that. Secretly we want to devour each other. The rest of the time we´re poking each others´ egos. Only a small number are your actual friends."
"Right. I´m not so much into that because I´m a real down to earth person."
"You will get into it, trust me."
"Are you any good?"
"I´m a badass; that´s all you need to know."
After that a strange calmness invaded me; she had no idea of where she was headed to but I still wanted to protect her.

Away from all the high end shops and decadent flair of Soho was my private fifty five hundred square foot lair which was a literal flashback to the nineties. My comrades lived in a large set of vinyls and CD´s which were most of the time old Johnny Cash and Nine Inch Nails.
"There are two levels and a terrace up here. It´s like a freaking mansion with ghosts and all."
"Why are you saying that?" she laughed, "are you trying to scare me out of here?"
"No; I´m dead serious. There´s something bad here. No one believes it, of course but it´s an amusing story. Just like the one right here."
The entrance or foyer consisted of a large brick wall decorated with a copy of a painting I entitled "Home." The theme was a giant hole with a mixed media technique mostly acrylic and in the style of abstract expressionism.
"I have no idea what it means but the use of color is incredible. So you say this is a copy, where´s the original one?"
"It was sold to some art collector in London. I was lucky that she appreciated my earliest work."
"How is it that I know so little about what you do?"
"You really need to get out more. Come; I´ll show you the way to kitchen because I could really use a drink. What´s your poison?"
"Oh, no thanks, really."
"I insist but don´t worry I don´t bite. My teeth might too worn our anyway."
"You have a big imagination, Adrian."
"Yeah, among other things."
Edie was a swell tenant. She asked me why would I could choose for a girl who has nothing to do with the art world to live here. It was simply because she wouldn´t be such a huge distraction. Later on I would refer to her as my "non-artistic follower" with my colleagues in reference to the insane regulations of Soho living.
Her constant need to question and analyze everything served me well. Little by little I confessed her about my ill-fated relationship one afternoon. She was eager to know because there were moments where I failed to express any emotions. Mother used to think I was one of those autistic kids and had me examined.

"Is everything alright?" she said. "Or is it the rain that´s making you all melancholy?"
"Sorry, I didn´t notice you were here. What time is it?"
"Around six thirty. You don´t like to keep track of time, huh?"
"I used to but then I became very obsessive and I didn´t like who I was back then. I felt like a goddamn slave."
"I´m sorry, did I make you feel uncomfortable? I was going to make myself some tea; do you want to join me?"
"Now that´s something I can never refuse."

I wish I was actually doing portraits because Edie never looked so wonderful that afternoon; her little blue navy halter dress that went well with her sapphire like eyes. At least I could take a picture for the impression to last longer. It wasn´t a hint of attraction but she was mesmerizing.
"Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes."

"I´m a very rude host", I said sighing.
"How come?"
"I haven´t told you about my previous tenant."
"That´s okay; you don´t have to tell me everything."
"You do it all the time; from the moment you´re out in the street till you come back."
"Fine, go ahead."
"You may recall Daniel Hyde from my pictures online. He was practically all over the place."
"So you were involved; it´s not hard to figure out. Here, this is a special blend red tea. It helps to relax."
"Red; my favorite color besides black. You don´t want to hear the whole story, do you?"
"I´m not into gossip or prying into people´s lives, Adrian."
"Please do! It will help your career, I promise."
"Alright so what else happened between you two?"
"Well," I said as I proceeded to take a sip of tea, "This is rather good,by the way. He´s the main reason why I have been feeling all lethargic lately."
She said laughing, "So why didn´t you say so in the first place?"
"I feel so timid around you and I´m usually very chatty with girls. Anyway, Daniel came into to work here like all the rest but he´s still impossible to forget."
"My, this doesn´t sound like idle chatter anymore..."
We took our conversation elsewhere to the living room exactly where I had my huge black leather couch; that´s where I crashed most of the time when I was fully exhausted.
"He knew very well what he wanted. I didn´t care at all because I´m fully concentrated in my paintings. There is an unwritten rule here that whenever I´m requested for a new exhibition no one and I said no one can ever disturb me."
"Just like now?"
"Sort of. I must work under very specific conditions in the style of Edward K. There are hours where I am severly productive like at eleven or three in the morning. Sometimes I stay up all night and sleep in the daytime. Even my agent knows; it´s effective."
"I have noticed that."
"It takes a while to get used to. Danny didn´t fully understand this so at the beginning he begged me to go to sleep. As soon as he entered my studio which is cluttered all the time not messy and he approached me."
"And?"
"You would have said he was waiting for the right moment to strike me like a predator. I was in there doing my thing when suddenly he grabbed my waist but his hands were incredibly cold."
"And then?"
"I felt powerless. He pulled down my pants and took advantage of me. One thing led to another and next thing you know he was over me."
She paused for a moment raising an eyebrow, "And you didn´t put any resistance, did you?"
"I honestly did! Like I said I was so concentrated, possessed even. I was thinking that maybe it would all clear up the next day but it got worse."
"In which sense?"
"He wanted control; it was something I couldn´t give him no matter what. We had an agreement."
"Why didn´t you just throw him out?"
Then it was me who paused.
"Daniel was so great in bed; that´s what."
"Well, I think that pretty much wraps it up."
"It´s not always like that. I had a very hard time swallowing it."
"Really? How?"
"Actually I might be depressed right now but I can´t notice it because I have too much stuff on my head."
"Adrian, I think you´re playing the victim here when you knew damn well what he was up to. I see no reason to weep for that bastard."
"I´m still going with the theory that there´s something bad here."
"Yeah, probably your attitude and the fact that you´re promiscuous and don´t give me that look!"
"Me?"
"Yes you but I forgive you. Maybe you want to change and I respect that."


But I knew this piece of advice would not be enough; it was a wound that was still fresh. Unbelievable as it sounds Daniel was the Queen and I was nothing but a loyal subject. My failed attempt to seek help from the outside worsened these episodes of deep silence.
One fine day he found out I had a passion for drawing animals. He liked too but in a fetish sort of way. So he took me to this party over in Chelsea on Halloween where many queers and other strange creatures of the night gather.
Most of them were all dressed up in what he called "fursuits". I was half naked and wore a rabbit´s head; a black one to be exact. I felt like the goddamn Grim Reaper instead of something appealing. If you cannot face your fears you might as well become them.
It was fun and it obviously ended up in some serious ass fucking. The problem wasn´t the sex; I´m afraid. Since then the most peculiar brats sent me request on the social networks and that´s when they took up most of my time. I just liked to paint animals.
I had a white dwarf rabbit I kept in a cage somewhere arounf my studio. I called him Scraps which stood for the remains or scraps of my innocence. If he died then that would make me even more inhuman.
He was also a seer; the twitching of his ears served as a warning.
Yes, Edith´s words wouldn´t help me this time. I felt the emptiness, a desire for self destruction.

I fell into a trance. It must have been around eleven PM
The day the world went away---
A storm was coming and I went out to the terrace to get soaked and a catharsis began. How could I finish something that a beautiful stranger conceived with me? Though it was my idea he somehow left his mark in each and every one of those paintings. How much I wanted to get rid of them and start over...
But it was too late; that would be our sad story. Getting rid of my work would be to tear off a huge part of me; of my earliest memories, of my childhood.
"I have to finish this" I kept saying in a lower voice. "He is not my master. This is me; the real me."
Edith heard me and went outside as well. She had a light blue top and cardigan. I had shirt on and had no guilt for being under such terrible weather.
"You know this is not a very good time for stargazing. What is it?" She placed her hands around my shoulders hoping I´d come up with a decent answer.
"I´m under a lot of stress, that´s all."
"For starters you should get dry; you don´t wanna get sick, right?"
"Knowing myself I will get sick but I´m at that moment where I don´t care."
"Well I do. Come inside because you´re starting to creep me out."
"Really?"
"Yes. Don´t leave me out of your life. Even if I´m here for a while it doesn´t mean I don´t care what happens to you."
"Are you sure?"
"Either that or I think you´re desperate for affection."
"I don´t need that right now!" I cried, "I just want to be under control again."
"Just come away from the rain. If you sleep less you will be out of control, I swear."
"I´ll try to work on that, I promise."

For the remainder of the night I tossed and turned in bed. I felt like a needy child and so in my dreams I travelled back to my hometown.
Because my parents were highly concerned about my lack of human interaction they spent endless hours finding answers. The easiest explanation was that I had no brothers and sisters to talk to; only a handful of cousins were around but they lived an hour away from our house.
They resolved that I should try arts to at least have an idea of how I saw the world. The funny thing was that I didn´t draw people most of the time only whatever I wanted.
So I saw myself again in the backyard with a large box full of crayons and made circles on the construction paper over and over. It meant nothing but at least it reflected my rage against whatever bothered me back then.
This also took me back to the time I was in high school. I switched the loose pieces of paper to a diary. I had grown superstitious after my grandfather´s death and took great interest in the supernatural. That´s why I used to record strange events, visions and dreams.
Little did I know someone else was interested in that same voodoo crap and became my first girlfriend; Lisa Summers.
She was the minister´s youngest daughter of a family of six children. While I was raised Catholic her father was in the Methodist Church. Over the course of time I would learn that they were pretty much two different worlds. Actually Mr. Summer hated me for belonging to "a lazy form of life," and that I be thinking of doing something for the greater good.
Lisa, on the other hand strived to be a regular teenager. She had jet black hair

MODIFY ME

Perhaps I should introduce myself like the insane gentleman I am; my name is Adrian. Secrety I thought it used to have resemblance to the demon child of Rosemary´s Baby that would be raising my expectations way too much.
I am twenty nine years old and was born in the Year of the Rabbit; 1981 to be exact.
A humble messenger is my fate; am artist just passing by but if you wish to hear this tale of mine I´ll tell it backwards and it´s no lie.
It´s strange how you start with an ending. I say every ending is followed up by a new beginning.
My ending consisted of a breakup and I was consumed. If there ever was a name for this part of my life I´d name it.
VULNERABLE.
Like a rabbit except I wasn´t free in the wild forest that was called New York; it was an old rusty cage down the streets of Manhattan.
- Rusty Cage
It was my workplace where I felt secure; a big ass loft  that I´ve been sharing for a while with a variety of strange folk; most of them were men. September arrived, so did the deadlines and I was halfway through a new collection of acrylics for a solo exhibition in some fancy, cutting edge gallery in Chelsea.


That week I was supposed to be receiving another assistant to move in and my strongest bet was a girl named Edith Paige who was in her freshman year in NYU.
We had only met online. At first I wasn´t fully convinced but decided to try something new.
It was Wednesday and it had been drizzling. I headed down to the corner of Prince and Mercer Street around five in the afternoon  She was standing there with her arms thrown on her back with a very optimistic look.
Edith was like the storybook Alice; she was raven-haired with bangs, milky white skin, blue eyes, abit scrawny. It was a shame I wasn´t into girls.
I lived above one of those psychic shops which was owned by a lady named Ava who is very solicited.
We continued to make small talk in the elevator; I could noticed she was frittering and somewhat avoiding me.
"The name´s Adrian Black by the way; sorry if I keep going online by odd usernames. What should I call you?"
"Edie is fine."
"Strange; like Edie Sedgwick."
"Yeah except I´m not that beautiful and rich like he was."
"Oh, don´t be that disencouraged; everyone here looks like a rockstar. I´m simply white trash from Ohio who got lucky."
"Maybe my luck will change as well."
"Why this place is just around the corner for you, isn´t it?" I said.
"Oh, absolutely! But how did you manage to snatch this loft just like this?"
"It was no walk in the park, I´ll tell you that. You have to be some kind of artist. The former owner was Edward King. There was an urban legend that he used to lurk the campus at 3 AM because he went sleepless ."
"Well, that´s intriguing!" she cried. "I haven´t heard of that story."
"I wanted to be here so badly because I prefer to have a piece of history around me instead of something brand new. And because I´m a sucker for nostalgia."
"How come?"
"Because all people live or dead leave an invisible trace behind. Say like burned toast."
"Now you´re quoting Mr. Hallorann in "The Shining"! she cried.
"Are you some kind of film geek?"
"No but I have a very keen memory."
"And I'm an artist, it's not that unusual to have some scars in my life to inspire me. Actually I wondered if that was my fate; to have a tormented existence watching everyone around me being hurt or let me hurt them back.”
“God no,” she said swinging her hand in mid air, “you’re too young to be carrying too much grief, what are you, twenty something...”
“I’ll be thirty next january.”
“Oh, that’s bad, that’s way too bad,” she said cynically. “In a number of societies and subcultures being over twenty means that you’re practically washed up.”
“I’m not old!” I replied, “I’m just experienced. How about you?"
"Was that a trick question?" she snapped. "Well; I came all the way down from Michigan to major in Psychology.  I want to fix people´s minds, that´s all."
"You could never finish your work in a city like this! We´re all mad here. I´m mad, you´re mad."
"How can I be mad?" she asked.
"You must be; otherwise you shouldn´t have come here."
"Wait that sounds familiar; Alice In Wonderland, right?"
"Yeah, you got me. As a kid I used to quote it all the time; it applies to a lot of things in this crazy world."
"What other things?"
"Success in life. It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that! I´m always ahead of my competitors."
"You have competitors?"
"All artists are like that. Secretly we want to devour each other. The rest of the time we´re poking each others´ egos. Only a small number are your actual friends."
"Right. I´m not so much into that because I´m a real down to earth person."
"Stick with me and I´ll show you some of my work and tell me what you think."
"Are you any good?"
"I´m a badass. I always get what I want."

Away from all the high end shops and decadent flair of Soho was my private fifty five hundred square foot lair which was a literal flashback to the nineties. My comrades lived in a large set of vinyls and CD´s which were most of the time old Johnny Cash and Nine Inch Nails.
"There are two levels and a terrace up here. It´s like a freaking mansion with ghosts and all."
"Why are you saying that?" she laughed, "are you trying to scare me out of here?"
"No; I´m dead serious. There´s something bad here. No one believes it, of course but it´s an amusing story. Just like the one right here."
The entrance or foyer consisted of a large brick wall decorated with a copy of a painting I entitled "Home." The theme was a giant hole with a mixed media technique mostly acrylic and in the style of abstract expressionism.
"I have no idea what it means but the use of color is incredible. So you say this is a copy, where´s the original one?"
"It was sold to some art collector in London. I was lucky that she appreciated my earliest work."
"How is it that I know so little about your work?"
"You really need to get out more. Come; I´ll show you the way to kitchen because I could really use a drink. What´s your poison?"
"Oh, no thanks, really."
"I insist but don´t worry I don´t bite. My teeth might are too worn our anyway."
"You have a big imagination, Adrian."
"Yeah, among other things."

Edie was a swell tenant. She asked me why would I could choose for a girl who has nothing to do with the art world to live here. It was simply because she wouldn´t be such a huge distraction. Later on I would refer to her as my "non-artistic follower" with my colleagues in reference to the insane regulations of Soho living.
Her constant need to question and analyze everything served me well. Little by little I confessed her about my ill-fated relationship. She was eager to know because there were moments where I failed to express any emotions; I stood by the large windows in my studio.
The day the world went away
"Is everything alright?" she said one afternoon. "Or is it the rain that´s making you all melancholy?"
"Sorry, I didn´t notice you were here. What time is it?"
"Around six thirty. You don´t like to keep track of time, huh?"
"I used to but then I became very obsessive and I didn´t like who I was back then. I felt like a goddamn slave."
"I´m sorry, did I make you feel uncomfortable? I was going to make myself some tea; do you want to join me?"
"Now that´s something I can never refuse."

I wish I was actually doing portraits because Edie never looked so wonderful that afternoon; her little blue navy halter dress that went well with her sapphire like eyes. At least I could take a picture for the impression to last longer. It wasn´t a hint of attraction but she was mesmerizing.
"Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes."


"I feel unapologetic with you," I said.
"How come?"
"I haven´t told you about my previous tenant."
"That´s ok; you don´t have to tell me everything."
"You do it all the time; from the moment you´re out in the street till you come back."
"Would this confession be something I´m not supposed to hear?"
"No but you may have seen the majority of my online pictures with a certain Daniel Hyde."
"Oh, yeah; the model, what about him?"
"He´s my ex."
"I knew that! That´s not such a big mystery. Here, this is a special blend red tea. It helps to relax."
"Red; my favorite color besides black. You don´t the whole story, do you?"
"I´m not into gossip or prying into people´s lives, Adrian."
"Please do! It will help your career, I promise."
"Alright so what happened between you to?"
"Well," I said as I proceeded to take a sip of tea, "This is rather good,by the way. He´s the main reason why I was all lethargic just a few moments ago."
She said laughing, "So why didn´t you say so in the first place?"
"I´m a gentleman despite my deviate lifestyle. I feel so timid around you that I don´t want to scare you so much. Anyway, Daniel came into to live here like all the rest but he´s still impossible to forget."
"My, this doesn´t sound like small talk anymore..."
We took our conversation elsewhere to the living room exactly where I had my huge black leather couch; that´s where I crashed most of the time when I was fully exhausted.
"He had the hots for me since day one. I didn´t care at all because I´m fully concentrated in my paintings. There is an unwritten rule here that whenever I requested for a new exhibition no one and I said no one can ever disturb me."
"Just like now?"
"Sort of. I must work under very specific conditions in the style of Edward K. There are hours where I am severly productive like at eleven or three in the morning. Sometimes I stay up all night and sleep in the daytime. Even my agent knows; it´s effective."
"I have noticed that."
"It takes a while to get used to. Danny didn´t fully understand this so at the beginning he begged me to go to sleep. As soon as he entered my studio which is cluttered all the time not messy he even began to act in an unsual way."
"Define unusual."
"In this case being lustful was unusual for me. He wasn´t like that before. You would have said he was waiting for the right moment to strike me.
So I was in there doing my thing when suddenly he grabbed my waist but his hands were incredibly cold."
"And then?"
"I felt powerless. I tried to set myself free but he kept going. He pulled down my pants and fucked me."
She paused for a moment raising an eyebrow, "And you didn´t put any resistance, did you?"
"I honestly did! Like I said I was so concentrated, possessed even. I was thinking that maybe it would all clear up the next day but it got worse."
"In which sense?"
"He wanted control; it was something I couldn´t give him no matter what. We had an agreement."
"Why didn´t you just throw him out?"
Then it was me who paused.
"Daniel was so great in bed; that´s what."
"Well, I think that pretty much wraps it up. This is completely irrelevant to me!"
"Don´t be mad. I had a very hard time swallowing it."
"Really? How?"
"Actually I might be depressed right now but I can´t notice it because I have too much stuff on my head."
"Adrian, I´m not mad but I think you´re playing the victim here when you knew damn well what he was up to. I see no reason to weep for that bastard."
"I´m still going with the theory that there´s something bad here. You know, I´m glad you came along."

But I knew this piece of advice would not be enough; it was a wound that was still fresh. Unbelievable as it sounds Daniel was the Queen and I was nothing but a loyal subject. My failed attempt to seek help from the outside worsened these episodes of deep silence.

FRIGHT-DAY

I flashbacked to Elyria, the town I grew up in where I felt like a total fish out of water. I was never the ugly, chubby kid with glasses who played Dungeons and Dragons all the time; it was just plain old me.
When I was about five my parents had me diagnosed because they were under the impression that I was one of those autistic dudes who kept staring at the wall the time bouncing a rubber ball.
Then they suggested I should express myself with art and so I did; it was so delightful! The crayon was like a little magic wand in my hand. It never occurred to me to draw something I found attractive but just anger I had stuck in my head. Those were basically my afternoons having the backyard as my playground.
Like that day. Things haven´t changed much; it was still chaotic. Inside my studio time stops. There are no watches except for the ones that might be in computers and gadgets. It´s particularly cold, below sixty degrees and I like to paint half naked.
That Friday night Edie was away at one of those mixers and wouldn´t return for several hours.
Eleven out of twenty two paintings were completed now, all with all time favorite theme; rabbits. There was a white dwarf live one which I used as a model which I called Scraps. Edith asked me once why I would call that critter this way and I said that it stood for "the remains or scraps of my innocence." So if he dies then that will make me a heartless person.
Then again it was a metaphor.
Scraps had this interesting black eye patches so the first idea that came to my head was making this large realistic drawing of him simulating smeared makeup. I called it "Wore Too Much Eyeliner."



Or maybe too much wine. Inside a fire ignited my senses; a desire to behead that traitor. He wan´t protective or caring; he was downright selfish.
And why should one be surprised? That was his job, nothing but a beacon for the high standards in men; to dream the impossible dream, to climb the highest mountain. To be exact he acted like a sycophant around me.
I stared in the mirror and saw none of these things. My most attractive feature has always been my olive green eyes complete with a killer smile. I think that´s about enough but certainly not the model type.
taste in men
I stepped away and stood still. For a while I couldn't move let alone breathe normally.
A soft female voice said, "Are you gonna be done soon?"
I couldn't answer, he kept saying, "Good...soon everyone will know our story." He placed her arms around me as she whispered, "Adrian...you still can't get over me, can you?"
Its heavy and icy hand ran across my body and reached inside my pants.
Scraps began to jump inside his cage for he had also felt that goulish presence.
There was too much poison in my system. After that I realized I fell victim to my own stupid words; all people live or dead leave an invisible trace behind.
I collapsed.



"Adrian, are you alright?" Edith found me lying on a red sofa in the same room as if I had fainted.
"Back so soon?" I asked a bit agitated.
"You know maybe I took for granted what you said that day; maybe you are having a bad time and you can´t seem to get over it."
I laughed nervously, "I´m not there yet but I´ve been spacing out a lot lately."
"Oh; you´re not cold?"
"I´ve gotten used to it."
"Not me; practically the only thing I could complain about living here is that it´s so drafty."
"So how did that thing go?"
"It was okay. I turns out that a guy I used to date in middle school is taking the same courses like me. He looks so different now; it´s amazing how people change and somehow manage to disappoint you so quickly."
"So what do you seek in men, really?"
"Somehow who just respects me unlike who prefers to go out with boys from a cover of a magazine."
"You wouldn´t understand; it´s a well preserved secret that can only be told in bed."
"Yeah, well you look like you could use some sleep anyway."
"It´s early for me; I have some stuff to take care of."
"Don´t work too late. See you tomorrow."

I slept in my regular bed for the fear of being visited by another specter. They mustered the words Daniel used to say. Maybe he could have been possessed by any of them but it still didn´t make any sense.

AUTUMN

I decided to have a little reunion with some of my closest friends. I agreed to give them a preview of my collection.

There was Mark and James, the first was helping with some designs and upload some ‘stuff’ to my website which happened to a set of 22 acrylics and mixed media. I had been making this for almost two goddamn years and it finally saw the light. Though at the beginning I didn’t have the slightest clue of what I was going to create for a solo exhibition (a breakthrough for any artist) I decided to make the most deranged schedule I could think of choosing certain hours like 11 PM or 3 AM. They didn’t make sense back then and they don’t now. They are coincidences but I secretly wanted to provoke something.


“So is true this place is haunted? I heard some wild tales, you know...” said Mark.



I laughed politely, “That’s what the previous owner said. He used to be a painter as well but lesser known than me. They say he used to come with ouija boards to see if he could invoke the spirit...”



“What spirit?”



I said while I swiveled a half empty glass of red wine, “That’s the thing, no one knows and no one will, but it’s been around for a long time, back when this place was known as Hell’s Hundred Acres.”



“Sick, and if you saw it could you deal with that?” said Mark.



I stared with the eyes of a lost boy, “We’ll have to find out.”



Edith smiled and clapped once, “Well, you see he´s always full of surprises!”












 

a realm constantly reinventing itself


He used to roam the High Line by sunset

delancey

"I didn´t want to come here tonight but I had no choice," said Lis. "I don´t wanna lose him just yet. He´s just too precious."

"To you?"

"Of course. He means everything to me. I ask myself again and again why does these things."

"Hey, it´s alright, Honey. You sound desperate, that´s all. How bad is it?"

"I don´t know yet. It´s taking so long. I hate the waiting."

"But you already know what it is, do you?"

Lis sighed deeply, "Yes and it´s Hell. It´s the worst of hells!"

"Keep yourself together. That´s all you need to do for now. Do it for you, Lis."

"Dammit, I´m fed up with all of this! What am I supposed to do now?"

"Get some help. It´s a big cross to carry. Think about it for a while."

"Great. Thanks for reminding me. I´ll keep you updated, ok?"

"Take care, sweetheart."


I stopped being threathening and was downgraded to a pretentious little prick. Do I look like that to you? Do I look like an act? Am I trying too hard to sell something that´s no longer appealing?

It depends who you want to impress.


Why do you feel the need to constantly surround yourself in darkness?

It calms me down. Did that sound pretentious to you?

No, not at all.

Then I guess I made my point.

"I have stopped running today. I am a victim of this modern age disease they call exhaustion. Much rest is needed."
"That will stir them up real well," said Lis after she finished posting on Adrian´s page.
It was a Tuesday and it past three AM. She was in Saint Vincent´s hospital waiting for someone to come out and tell her what the Hell what´s going on. There was only a handful of nurses and interns and the silence was so evident that she could hear her thoughts.
"I bet I know what it is," she said to herself. "He has been doing it again but why?"
She felt the need to call her mom back in Ohio.
"I´ve never been so scared in my entire life. I feel like I´m losing him for good."



"The heart wants art," he said. "It´s a ritual."

When everybody else goes away to sleep all tucked in that´s when the magic begins for me. I find this time more peaceful to work. I´m a very nervous person; it runs in the family.
We are all afraid sometimes. I calmed my fears drawing; it was my pacifier.
When are separated for too long that creative flow becomes destructive reminding you all the goddamn time why you left in the first place. It eats you up, it cripples you.