Trickster

I don´t like the person you´re becoming. You´re consumed by fear, you´re a little mouse stuck in the corner.

Maybe this is the person I was along. Don´t cry if you´re getting to know the real me.

Oh, I see. You want us to think that we don´t understand your troubled childhood, huh?

It was my adolescence.

But lots of people felt the same way; what makes you so special?

I don´t feel special; I just want to survive this shit and be happy like everyone else.

But if you were like everyone else you wouldn´t even be here. You secretly wanted this and I think you have no idea why but I´ll tell you; you have a tremendously beautiful soul.

If it´s so beautiful then why is it destroying me?

Hey, it´s not gonna kill you. When you look at the mirror and I mean like a full body mirror you notice that there´s something you´re not happy with. It´s an opportunity to improve yourself and it does involve destroying something but only what´s holding you back spiritually.

I like my body; it´s not perfect but it´s attractive to some people.

Okay.

That´s not I´m worried about though. I´m heavily concerned with slowing down and not being able to keep up with young guys like Daniel. If I can´t satisfy him he´ll leave me and I don´t wanna be alone. I feel I´m my own worst enemy.


How is that?


It´s like a demon inside me. If I don´t keep him happy he´ll give a hard time.


And how exactly do you manage to do that?


By achieving perfection.


You know that´s not possible.


But it gives me a sense of control, like everything being in its right place.


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Wait a minute! I got it. The 11:11.


What about it? said Daniel


It seems like a riddle but if you look at it closer you´ll see that all the numbers are the same. It´s balance, harmony. That makes him feel good

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What really drives me wild is why didn´t you tell me you had this problem before.

I had no need to make your life miserable with my past. Besides you´d think it´s because I´m obsessed with my body.

Are you?

No! crossing his arms.

It´s not that uncommon; actually I had one or two friends like that.

What happened to them?

Well, one died and the other went to rehab.

You see? I´m not a fucking statistic; I´m a real person and had my reasons to do it.

Tell me, I won´t get mad.

He kept sobbing for it seemed the wound was still fresh, "My own father hated me when he found out I´m a fag. Mother only rubbed salt in the wound pushing me all the goddamn time to go out with girls to keep my dad calm. They didn´t understand me but deep down they loved me.

I felt I needed to be punished because I failed them so the only escape was through purging. After that I felt different; a part of me was relieved. Everytime I did something that would offend my parents so deeply I would repeat this behavior.

But how can being gay be a crime? These are not the Dark Ages, Adrian.

It was for them and it worked. It was a discipline.

That´s like totally denying who you are.

Oh, yeah, try being yourself in an ultraconservative household and getting away with it!

I know it ain´t easy but you don´t have to feel guilty forever.

Whatever, it´s in the past. It´s an ancient fear that shouldn´t be there anymore. It´s like still being afraid of the dark.

Come here, Sweetie. Don´t shut me out, okay? I promise to make our relationship better than it is today so you don´t feel pressured.













hollow i felt hollow inside and i wanted to get away from it all its a feeling that´s hard to describe but it can be easily handled with comfort such as drinking and then purging. No one seemed to notice at the beginning but look at the signs. A lie is a lie.